JORDAN AND JOHN MAYER STINK

Sometimes celebrities make me want to vomit. Let's start with Jordan and Peter Andre in the UK. She dumped her cross-dressing boyfriend Alex Reid live on I'M A CELEBRITY ... GET ME OUT OF HERE, then married him in Vegas. Now she's admitting she really is a lying whore but it was just so she had some good material for her reality series WHAT KATIE DID NEXT. For those of you watching this garbage on Lifestyle You, please remember this - there is no such thing as "seeing the real Katie" when everything is fodder for her pathetic media existence. Meanwhile Peter Andre keeps breaking down in tears doing talk shows while talking about his children. And whilst this is obviously another media manipulation, I'd probably cry too if Jordan got her make-up and turned my baby into a pre-school hooker like she just did with Princess Tiamamamama (google the disgraceful shots, they'll be everywhere). And in the US, John Mayer can't stop talking sex sex sex. In a Playboy interview, he discussed how Jessica Simpson's vagina was like cocaine and then went into graphic detail about his dick and black girls (even dropping the 'n'w word). He's trying to come across as a stud but let me tell you, when I interviewed him several years ago for Music Max, his breath STUNK. There is nothing remotely sexy about him as these pictures show. End of story. Thank goodness for last night's SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE where really talented people did really talented things without having to embellish anything. I'd post a clip but there's nothing on YouTube - for highlights, check out Ten's official catch-up website, this show is having another fabulous year.

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN RATE?

Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion and friends have re-recorded "We Are The World" while Kylie Minogue, Susan Boyle and friends have re-recorded "Everybody Hurts" for relief for Haiti. But who is going to save Ten now that the first week of (non-official) ratings is underway here in Australia? On Monday, the number one show was Nine's TWO AND A HALF MEN (what is wrong with you people?) and last night Seven's GREY'S ANATOMY was a biggie. But lost in these surprise hits are Ten's reality shows THE BIGGEST LOSER and SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. Both did well as Sunday premiers (up against the Australian Open tennis final) but their follwoing episodes in weekday slots slid. THE BIGGEST LOSER is barely making sense thanks to an (alleged) kiddie fiddler being removed from the cast (that's why it's been so heavily re-edited) while DANCE is suffering from its poor LOSER lead-in. But the real blame ls due to THE 7PM PROJECT which is still underperforming (with only half the audience of HOME & AWAY). Last night THE 7PM PROJECT had Steve Price on the panel and if they think redneck shock jocks will get people watching, they are sadly mistaken. At least SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE is still great TV with the return of last year's dancet Heath (pictured) who only left the competition after breaking his foot. Another episode screens tonight (and again tomorrow, thrusday) and while that could be overkill for some, I can never get enough DANCE ...

JAY LENO IS COMING BUT WHERE IS WENDY WILLIAMS?

The Comedy Channel has made a last-minute announcement that Austar and Foxtel viewers WILL see THE JAY LENO SHOW from next Tuesday (with his first guest being Jerry Seinfeld who will probably talk about the SEINFELD anti-reunion about to take place on the new season of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM). It will then continue weeknights at 7.30pm (or 9.30pm for those who want to watch on Comedy +2). It means The Comedy Channel is pretty much turning into The Talk Channel with JON STEWART, THE COLBERT REPORT, JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE and CONAN O'BRIEN. The only late-night US talk show host we don't get now is CRAIG FERGUSON but there's really no need to see that too - who on earth has time to watch them all? If The Comedy Channel wants to bring home some more comedy, they really need to start airing THE WENDY WILLIAMS SHOW. This mad bitch is a permanent fixture on THE SOUP and with material like this, it's a talk show I would actually watch religiously ... and by the way, new episodes of ELLEN have just started on Arena and Nine - here's her dance routine with the SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCErs during her seventh season premiere yesterday ...

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: CENTRE STAGE: TURN IT UP

CENTRE STAGE: TURN IT UP *1/2

Sigh. Attempting to cash-in on the dance movie craze (which I still don’t get) this direct-to-disc telemovie sequel to 2000’s CENTRE STAGE is world’s apart from the classy, well-rounded original despite many inescapable similarities.

Kate Parker (Rachele Brooke Smith) (who looks like the lovechild of Britney Spears and Ashley Simpson-Wentz) is the big dreamer who wants to get into the American Ballet Academy. Kenny Wormald is Tommy Anderson, the good looking yet dim hockey-player-turned-ballerina love interest. Sarah Jayne Jensen is Suzanne von Stroh, the bitchy blonde with connected parents who becomes Kate’s archnemesis.

Predictable fare as Kate is rejected from Academy, meets hot boy who gives her ballet advice, she gives him hip-hop skills, bitchy blonde tries to steal hot guy, girl inexplicably gets chosen out of hundreds of qualified, professionally trained dancers at open casting call to appear in Broadway show. The end. Oh, and there’s something about two of the guys from the original film thrown in somewhere too.

Like the original, the actors here are dancers with no acting training and it is made even more obvious by an un-original story, generic cookie-cutter script and laughable dialogue that tries too hard to be “street” (imagine your Nan saying “rad” and “dude” in every sentence). Sarah Jayne Jensen is competent enough as Suzanne but every time she smiles I get distracted by her mouthful of razor-sharp teeth leading me to believe she would have been more suited in a movie about dancing werewolves.

The refined tone of the original film is lost here and the setting of the ABA is rarely used. CENTRE STAGE alum Peter Gallagher and Ethan Stiefel appear only long enough to collect their pay cheques – almost as if the film were written as a generic dance flick and had the Centre Stage title tacked on at the last minute. The characterisation is inconsistent as Kate flickers between sweet, innocent girl from a poor family and overly-confident bartender / Pussycat Doll. Anyone who has had dance training will instantly cringe at the flawed ballet techniques of the hip-hop / jazz dancer cast.

Watch if you like non-specific hip-hop dance movies like SAVE THE LAST DANCE or HONEY but avoid if you’re particularly attached the original CENTRE STAGE. Why not just save your money and watch SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE on TV instead?