BRING REGIS TO AUSSIE TV

Regis Philbin is an American TV icon, not unlike our own Bert Newton. Just like Moonface, Reg has been around a hundred years but he also hosts the US version of WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE as well as the morning chat show LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY (you can also see him and his wife Joy Philbin guesting and singing on THE VIEW next Monday in Australia). Regis is a really funny guy (he makes me laugh out loud) and tis successful has been going over over 20 years. It was first known as LIVE WITH REGIS AND KATHIE LEE but Kathie Lee Gifford is now the host of the 4th hour of NBC`s TODAY show. Kelly Ripa, who married her ALL MY CHILDREN co-star Mark Consuelos (pictured), is a much more natural replacement (particularly given there`s not a lot of natural left in Kathie Lee who can get a bit obnoxious from time to time). But regardless of who Regis is with (and in this attached clip he's with both his hosts), he has chenistry galore and I get sucked into watching him on a daily basis while ever I am in North America. Why hasn`t some Australian TV network hasn't taken this show? Yes, it's a bit New York-centric but it attracts A-list guests like Bruce Willis who was on yesterday.

SHOULD TV SHOWS BECOME MUSICALS?

It has become a Toronto tradition of mine to see a terrible theatrical production every time while I visit. Last time I was in Canada, it was Joan Collins and Linda Evans in LEGENDS. The former DYNASTY co-stars tried their best but the play was crap and it collapsed before making it to Broadway (with Joan writing a nasty newspaper article about how horrible Linda's plastic surgery was up close). Anyway, I have just returned from a matinee of LITTLE HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE: THE MUSICAL starring Melissa Gilbert (who used to play little Laura) now playing Caroline Ingalls (Ma). The crit that had me rushing to the Canon Theatre described it as "laughably bad, lacking memorable songs and sets and props that look borrowed from community theatre." The (one out of five) review went on to say Ms Gilbert "oversells every scene and can't sing a note". Harsh, but I would have added that she also can't dance. But you know what - it was Laura "Half Pint" Ingalls up there giving it her best shot and I loved it. Although during some (OK, most) of the more boring musical numbers (and there were plenty), I daydreamed about what Aussie TV shows could be remade as theatrical musical productions. What about SONS AND DAUGHTERS: THE MUSICAL starring Peter Phelps and Alexandra Fowler. Instead of playing the (inappropriately close) twins, Phelpsy could play David Plamer and Chantoozies Ally could be Pat the Rat. That'd work, right? And wouldn't it be a gas to get Rowena Wallace playing Fiona? Any other ideas, people ... ?

WAR IS HELL

I have just flown overseas so (naturally) I spent the entire night watching movies. Because I would never go see it in cinemas, THE HURT LOCKER was top of my list because it has been nominated for as many Academy Awards as AVATAR and just won big at the British Academy Awards. But why? I was bored senseless and thought it was just more macho bullshit. I've seen it all before - war is hell, soldiers do it tough, blah blah blah. Great if you love that sort of thing but I don't and remain mystified as to why it is being so honoured. The only good things about it were cameos from Guy Pearce and LOST'S Evangeline Lily. So, whatever, give all the Oscars to AVATAR. Now I'm in Canada and saw a much more interesting flick called DEFENDOR. I thought it was going to be more superhero rubbish starring Woody Harrelson but - surprise surprise - it wasn't that type of film at all and extremely touching. Don't know if it will ever get an Australian release but it should ...

ALL MY CHILDREN NEEDS SOME HELP

Several readers have emailed here begging for help with keeping ALL MY CHILDREN on 7TWO. It's only been on a few months but its ratings are deadly at 1pm. The US daytime drama just celebrated its 40th anniversary and it's a shame these episodes weren't screened because they make a great introduction to the series. These are great shows with classic black and white clips and cheesiness galore as Pine Valley is proclaimed America's Best Town (with the in-joke being that Hayley is filming a documentary after actress Kelly Ripa left some years back to become the co-host of LIVE WITH REGIS AND KELLY). You'll see the infamous Susan Lucci (pictured as Erica Kane) who is so goddamned famous that she has her own waxwork at Madame Tussauds (and the word done there is nearly as good as that done on the real version). She is the STAR of the show and gets the best lines and the best frocks (see below). Also on show in these episodes is Lee Meriwether (the 1966 BATMAN movie's Catwoman) as she retires to Florida (in real life, the actor playing town patriarch Joe Martin didn't want to relocate to Los Angeles as the show has just moved there after always filming in New York). Look, even I'm having trouble keeping up with AMC with all the soaps on 7TWO but give it a go if you likes these clips...

KEEP THE THEME SONG

She hung out with Britney Spears in CROSSROADS and made out with Eminem in 8 MILE but now Taryn Manning is going all network on us by joining the cast of the new HAWAII FIVE-O. She'll play the sister of Alex O'Loughlin who has the title role of Steve McGarrett (and let's hope it's third time lucky for the Aussie who CBS has tried to turn into a star via two failed TV series now, MOONLIGHT and THREE RIVERS). Also in the remake is Daniel Dae Kim (Jin from LOST) who will play Chin Ho. HAWAII FIVE-O was a massive TV hit that ran for 12 seasons from 1968. Many other shows tried to capitalise on its Hawaiian location but the only one to ever succeed was MAGNUM P.I. The only thing the new HAWAII FIVE-0 needs to get right is to keep old the old theme song - one of the greatest in TV history ...

MADONNA'S MARRIAGE MADNESS

Jerry Seinfeld's new US series THE MARRIAGE REF looks set to be a hit if this clip is anything to go by. The show is signing A-list celebrities such as Alec Baldwin (pictured) and Madonna to give out advice to warring couples (because these two sure know how to make a successful union last, right?). They'll be joined by comedians like Ricky Gervais and Larry David but what does this mean for Aussie viewers? Seven wants to make a local version and there's no way they can pull in this sort of talent. So do we just ignore the star-studded American version and plough ahead with our own D-list marriage experts (Wayne Cooper and Tiffani Wood perhaps)? Seven will be celebrating the rising ratings for MY KITCHEN RULES (it finally beat TWO AND A HALF MEN last night) and hoping things improve for Thursday's TV trivia quiz show THE WHITE ROOM (check it out if you love you classic TV clips) but THE MARRIAGE REF looms largest ...

SOS - SAVE OUR SHOWS

It's that time of the year in the US when networks start deciding what shows are staying and which shows are being given the boot. FRINGE, starring Anna Torv (pictured) is looking good as is the teen Superman drama SMALLVILLE which has increased its ratings despite being dumped to Fridays. COLD CASE has probably become too expensive to keep making and HEROES might only be given enough time to wrap things up properly becuase the show sells well overseas (despite worseing ratings in America). Executives will be looking very closely at ratings for FLASHFORWARD and V as they wrap up their first seasons with diminishing audiences but the future is looking particularly bleak for FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, BETTER OFF TED and the new SCRUBS and MELROSE PLACE.

JORDAN AND JOHN MAYER STINK

Sometimes celebrities make me want to vomit. Let's start with Jordan and Peter Andre in the UK. She dumped her cross-dressing boyfriend Alex Reid live on I'M A CELEBRITY ... GET ME OUT OF HERE, then married him in Vegas. Now she's admitting she really is a lying whore but it was just so she had some good material for her reality series WHAT KATIE DID NEXT. For those of you watching this garbage on Lifestyle You, please remember this - there is no such thing as "seeing the real Katie" when everything is fodder for her pathetic media existence. Meanwhile Peter Andre keeps breaking down in tears doing talk shows while talking about his children. And whilst this is obviously another media manipulation, I'd probably cry too if Jordan got her make-up and turned my baby into a pre-school hooker like she just did with Princess Tiamamamama (google the disgraceful shots, they'll be everywhere). And in the US, John Mayer can't stop talking sex sex sex. In a Playboy interview, he discussed how Jessica Simpson's vagina was like cocaine and then went into graphic detail about his dick and black girls (even dropping the 'n'w word). He's trying to come across as a stud but let me tell you, when I interviewed him several years ago for Music Max, his breath STUNK. There is nothing remotely sexy about him as these pictures show. End of story. Thank goodness for last night's SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE where really talented people did really talented things without having to embellish anything. I'd post a clip but there's nothing on YouTube - for highlights, check out Ten's official catch-up website, this show is having another fabulous year.

EVERYTHING OLD IS OLD AGAIN

SUPERMAN is coming back with BATMAN director Christopher Nolan "guiding" a new re-boot (and yes BATMAN 3 is being written as we speak). Tom Cruise has signed on the dotted line for MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 4. Sequels are being planned for MRS DOUBTFIRE and THE GOONIES (with the grown up kids now having kids of their own) but Spielberg has scotched rumours of a GREMLINS 3D flick and WATCHMEN 2 ain't happening either. UNDERWORLD 3D is a goer though and the dreaded TRANSFORMERS will probably get the 3D treatment as well as the final HARRY POTTER movies. The fifth FAST AND FURIOUS flick with Vin Diesel and Paul Walker (pictured) will be called FAST FIVE and 24 is headed to the big screen with a European adventure. And Aussie good guy Joel Edgerton is doing another version of THE THING. But whatever happened to the remake of Aussie cult classic LONG WEEKEND with John Hargraeves and Briony Behets? The Claudia Karvan thriller looks like a shot by shot re-telling (and has clearly been released somewhere European by the follwing trialer) but we are yet to see it here down under ...

IS MELONI MOVING ON OR JUST LOST?

According to Brisbane newspaper The Courier Mail, Christopher Meloni is leaving LAW AND ORDER: SVU after 12 years but producers have since denied it. The Courier Mail isn't usually renowned for world exclusives so did they get it wrong or did Meloni suddenly regret his comments? If Stabler really does love SVU (which is returning to Ten this Thursday), let's hope he races off (and gets his kit off again) to do edgier fare like the infamous prison drama OZ (pictured). Meanwhile, LOST returns to Aussie screens tomorrow (Wednesday) with a recap special and then the two hour premiere on 7TWO from 8.30pm. Confusingly, the first hour only then screens on 7HD at 11.30pm meaning those fans who want to watch the show twice every night won't be able to because the HD screenings will be a week behind. Those who've watched the premiere insist it's so good it's worth a re-visit - in other words, it's so bloody complicated, you need all the help you can get to undertand it fully!

END OF AN ERA

DAYS OF OUR LIVES is about to farewell two legends. Next Wednesday, Nine will screen the final episode with John and Marlena (Dierdre Hall, pictured) and coming sometime in the near future, a tribute to Frances Reid who played matriarch Alice Horton. The 94 year old died this week in real life but continues to live on in Salem .. for now. Alice was previously thought to have died when she was murdered by Marlena when she was the Salem Slasher. Only she wasn't a murderess, Marlena had been drugged and all her "victims" turned up alive and well on Melaswen, a complete copy of Salem constructed by Tony DiMera on a remote desert island. Utterly ridiculous but funny when you consider they didn't have to build any new sets, just throw a few tropical plants around the existing ones. This time Alice's exit will have to be more permanent ... RIP Frances Reid ...

SO YOU THINK YOU CAN RATE?

Barbara Streisand, Celine Dion and friends have re-recorded "We Are The World" while Kylie Minogue, Susan Boyle and friends have re-recorded "Everybody Hurts" for relief for Haiti. But who is going to save Ten now that the first week of (non-official) ratings is underway here in Australia? On Monday, the number one show was Nine's TWO AND A HALF MEN (what is wrong with you people?) and last night Seven's GREY'S ANATOMY was a biggie. But lost in these surprise hits are Ten's reality shows THE BIGGEST LOSER and SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE. Both did well as Sunday premiers (up against the Australian Open tennis final) but their follwoing episodes in weekday slots slid. THE BIGGEST LOSER is barely making sense thanks to an (alleged) kiddie fiddler being removed from the cast (that's why it's been so heavily re-edited) while DANCE is suffering from its poor LOSER lead-in. But the real blame ls due to THE 7PM PROJECT which is still underperforming (with only half the audience of HOME & AWAY). Last night THE 7PM PROJECT had Steve Price on the panel and if they think redneck shock jocks will get people watching, they are sadly mistaken. At least SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE is still great TV with the return of last year's dancet Heath (pictured) who only left the competition after breaking his foot. Another episode screens tonight (and again tomorrow, thrusday) and while that could be overkill for some, I can never get enough DANCE ...

HOW CAN A MOVIE WITH THIS MUCH STRIPPING BE SO BORING?

So went the review from "New York" magazine about NINE, the much-anticipated movie musical which has turned into a critical and commercial flop. That quote may also be used to describe Naomi Robson's new internet venture. The former TODAY TONIGHT host isn't letting a lack of interest from every TV station stop her self-titled Oprah-like show about "Love" and "Life" so it's going straight to the web. It sounds utterly fascinating given her guests chatting about these earth-shattering topics will be the classy Tottie Goldsmith (pictured) and big boobed BIG BROTHER loser Krystal. I really shouldn't pre-judge this web weirdness because despite all the negative press, I went to see NINE and really enjoyed it. The cast were all super-sexy (barring Fergie who was slightly scary) and the surprise stand-out performance came from Kate Hudson (see below). Maybe if Naomi sang, danced and surrounded herself with cool Italianos while reviving the 60s, she too might become watchable ...