XENA TO STRIP FOR SPARTACUS

Get ready to cop an eyeful of Aussie actor (pictured) Andy Whitfield (GABRIEL)and New Zealand actress Lucy Lawless (XENA WARRIOR PRINCESS) when the an updated TV version of a Kirk Douglas classic is launched early next year. SPARTACUS: BLOOD AND SAND looks like it will be a cross between ROME and 300 but with more gore and what is promised to be "boundary-pushing full frontal nudity". The drama also stars John Hannah (REBUS) and another Aussie actor Jai Courtney who is no stranger to nude scenes after a revealing guest role last season on PACKED TO THE RAFTERS (he was the real estate agent who was left naked in a display house). Lawless, who guest stars in the fifth season of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM (now out on DVD), confirms she is getting her gear off which must be fabulous news for all those ladies who followed her on XENA. Check out the sneak peek below, it looks hot ...

VALERIE PERRINE CRASHES BACK

For years now I've been wondering whatever happened to this sassy blonde goddess from SUPERMAN and CAN'T STOP THE MUSIC. Valerie Perrine has been reduced to doing guest roles in episodic TV but today comes news that she's joining the cast of CRASH, the TV spin-off from the Oscar winning movie. She will be the wife of a 60's musician to be played by Keith Carradine who was most recently seen on DEXTER as the hot older detective (and DEXTER fans without Foxtel or Austar will be happy to know Ten will soon screen the third series in its original timeslot on Mondays at 9.30pm after throwing away the second season late on Sundays). CRASH doesn't seem to have an Aussie network yet but with stars like this for its second season, somebody has to buy it soon. Perrine and Karradine will be starring alongside Dennis Hopper, Tess Harper, Eric Roberts and Dana Ashbrook (who once played bad boy Bobby Briggs on TWIN PEAKS). And to remind us all of the brilliance of Ms Perrine, here she is doing the Milkshake with the Village People (soon to tour down under again) in the musical that flopped at the box office everywhere in the world ... except for Australia!

THE NEXT MOVIE VAMPIRE WILL BE JOHNNY DEPP

Johnny Depp went on record months ago saying he that DARK SHADOWS used to be one of his favourite TV shows as a kid and he wants to play the vampire Barnabas Collins in a movie version. Now Tim Burton is confirmed as director so I'd say it's pretty much a done deal. DARK SHADOWS was a 70s daytime soap about fangs, werewolves and ghosts that was briefly screened in Australia and was remade as a prime-time series in 1991. But it never lived up to the original and how could it when the original screened in the US at 3.30pm weekdays just in time for the kids coming home from school - no wonder it led to spin-offs like this ...

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: DYING BREED

DYING BREED *** ½

It is rumoured that deep within the wilderness of Western Tasmania the ancient Thylacine (more commonly known as the Tasmanian Tiger), thought to have gone extinct in the 1930’s, is alive and breeding.

DYING BREED fuses two fascinating legends of Tasmania, the marsupial tiger and The Pieman, an escaped convict eventually hanged in 1824 for cannibalism, and draws similarities between the survival instincts and bloodlines of the two. Many Tiger sightings have been reported. Hundreds of hikers have gone missing. Could both The Pieman and the Tigers have descendants hiding in the bush?

Crypto-zoologist Nina (ALL SAINTS Mirrah Foulkes) sets out to finish the work of her sister (who disappeared before turning up dead a year later) by proving the Tiger survives in the harsh scrub. She takes along her partner Matt (SAW’s Leigh Whannel), his mate Jack (SNAKES ON A PLANE'sNathan Phillips) and Jack’s girlfriend Bec (PACKED TO THE RAFTERS' Melanie Vallejo). Naturally they stumble on The Pieman’s descendants who uphold the traditions of their cannibalistic ancestor, but occasionally need fresh “breeding stock” too.

Nathan Phillips hums the strains of the DELIVERANCE banjo theme, a reflection that this film borrows heavily from DELIVERANCE, THE HILLS HAVE EYES, WRONG TURN, THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE and maybe even WOLF CREEK. DYING BREED doesn’t really deliver anything we haven’t seen before, but is a solid, eerie film due in part to the intriguing real-life myths surrounding The Pieman and the Tiger. Despite its lack of promotion in this country it garnered attention in various Horror Film Festivals globally becoming somewhat of a un-earthed gem.

The movies kicks right in with creepy Thylacine footage pulled from the archives and moves quickly into a gruesome opener. Tasmania (played here by the Dandenong Ranges) is beautifully sinister – with shades of mid-west hillbilly towns depicted in films like CHILDREN OF THE CORN and HALLOWEEN 4. The cinematography is professional and the editing quick and tidy – but perhaps a little too so. The wide shots make good use of the ominous isolation but I would have liked to see a little more grit injected. The score’s wind instruments evoke PICNIC AT HANGING ROCK.

Mirrah Foulkes displays a likeable vulnerability separating her from the detestable Jo in ALL SAINTS (who I like to blame for the show's cancellation). There are some genuine frights here but unfortunately some effectively creepy moments are ruined by Nathan Phillips annoying, macho jerk prattling (why does he always play the same character?). Nathan redeems himself however by baring his sexy bum in several scenes.

The current trend of torture and sexualised violence is present here but used sparingly enough to only be mildly unsettling. There is a nice sequence involving bear traps too and the ending is truly chilling.

Intermingling Australia’s dark heritage with the sinister looking Tassie Tigers works to advantage here, giving DYING BREED the edge it needs to rise above being a generic gore-fest. It genuinely is better than that. It's nice to see Australian horror making a comeback.

WARNING - THIS IS VERY RUDE BUT NO RUDER THAN AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE

It's a sad state of affairs on TV at the moment. ELLEN is in repeats becuase she's on US summer holidays so it'll be a while before Nine gets new episodes. THE CHASER'S WAR ON EVERYTHING bows out tonight on ABC1 having running two episodes short this season becuase of their suspension (farewell guys, come back soon on another network). It's also the second episode of AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE with Nine rushing new promos to air that suggest it's now got the humor of WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, the soundtrack from MARRIED WITH CHILDREN and the cutest grandparents since Harold left NEIGHBOURS. Sadly it's still the same brainless hotties from last week doing more stupid tricks and there's not an old person in sight. Er-oh. So to cheer you up let's wish a Happy Birthday to two hot movie stars who love getting their gear off. Jean-Hugues Anglade (pictured), who turns 54 today, will always be remembered for the seminal French flick BETTY BLUE (if only they still made films like this today). And Stephen Dorff, who turns 36 today, opens in cinemas tomorrow alongside Johnny Depp in PUBLIC ENEMIES. In 2005, Dorff starred alongside Helen Mirren, Macy Gray and Cuba Gooding Jr in a piece of cinematic garbage called SHADOWBOXER. It's only memorable for its insane plot and a nude scene from Dorff that verges on pornographic - WARNING - Do not watch this at work ...

JAMES KERLEY BACK DRIVING CABS

James Kerley is slipping back behind the wheel of Channel [V]'s fun quiz show CASH CAB. Kerls, who started the series, was replaced by Charlie Pickering for seasons two and three because he was taken away by Ten to do TAKEN OUT. When the dating show tanked, Channel [V] snapped it up to re-run andrley started up a radio gig on Nova Sydney. Ironically he is now back because Charlie Pickering is busy doing THE 7PM PROJECT in the same timeslot that TAKEN OUT tried out last year. Channel [V] also advised today at a media lunch that 3000 applicants have already been received for their new VJ search and the winner will be announced live at this year's Homebake concert. If you fancy working on-air at the music channel, apply now and check out their hot new website:

www.vmusic.com.au

DAWSONS CREEK WITH FANGS

MercadoTV just got a look at the pilot episode of THE VAMPIRE DIARIES and, not that this is a bad thing, but it is very very TWILIGHT. There's the high school with spunky teenagers, the mysterious new student who turns out to be a bloodsucker, the sweet young thing he falls in love with but has to stop himself from biting her and the bad vampire who hates him for being pissweak. There's also spooky woods nearby that students keep walking off into to copulate but of course they end up being bitten and references to the district's long tortured history because the vamps have been around for a long time. This new series from the CW (who also make GOSSIP GIRL, 90210 and MELROSE PLACE) has a hot soundtrack (including Katy Perry and The Killers) and its hottest actor is definitely Ian Somerhalder (pictured) from LOST and THE RULES OF ATTRACTION. We should expect good things from it considering it's from Kevin Williamson (who also wrote DAWSONS CREEK and SCREAM) and it will be fast-tracked to premiere on Nine's new youth digital GO this September. Leave a comment and tell me what you think and thanks to everyone who's been leaving comments lately.

THE M WORD

We still haven't seen the fifth and final season of THE L WORD on Australian TV (hello Movie Extra and 20th Century Fox DVD) but Princess Penny and her luscious lesbo LA ladies were all incredibly disappointed by the final episode particularly since it failed to answer the season-long mystery of who killed a regular character. Now comes word that series creator Ilene Chaiken is planning a M word - MOVIE - to reveal the killer and wrap up other loose ends. We can blame the success of the SEX AND THE CITY movie for this but at least they had the decency to end their series on a high with complete character resolutions before trying to wring some more cash out of the franchise. In other TV news, Jennifer Love Hewitt will take a leaf out of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES' book by desperately jumping forward five years into the future as soon as her character gives birth. American TV seems incapable of ever showing mothers bringing up babies, preferring instead to leap straight into wisecracking five-year-olds (hello Teri Hatcher). If the little tykes need a sugar hit, they could always suck on a can of TRUE BLOOD soda which will soon hit US stores. It's going to be blood orange of course and shows how hot the series is in its second series there although Princess Penny tells me she is very dissaspointed that Ryan Kwanten has found God and isn't taking his clothes off so much this year. Maybe he can become a contestant on the US version of DANCING WITH THE STARS and do some bare-chested rumba because that's the only thing that'd make it more controversial than our Aussie version. Fans here are apparently upset that Todd McKenney told blind dancer Gerard Gosens last Sunday that he was appalling. Look, now that Todd has stopped Twittering and shaved off his, he's actually doing what he's supposed to do - judge. All three judges scored Gosens low so why is Todd getting a bashing for telling it like it is? It's a dancing show and good on Gosens for giving it a go but he is struggling. If viewers want to vote to keep him on, brilliant, but you honestly can't expect the judges to keep saying he's got rhythm when he hasn't. Unless of course they get in some blind judges ....

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: THE GRUDGE 3

THE GRUDGE 3 ***

Part three of the Japanese-turned-American horror series goes direct-to-disc and picks up almost immediately after the Chicago-based events of THE GRUDGE 2. Jake Kimble (Matthew Knight), the sole survivor, is now institutionalised after the gruesome murders of his family and Dr Sullivan (SAW’s Shawnee Smith) must struggle to understand why this young boy is so frightened of a Japanese girl with long, black hair. Meanwhile, in Japan, a young woman named Naoko (Emi Ikehata) hears of the carnage and, realising her own connection to the grisly tale, travels to the Chicago apartment building to protect its remaining inhabitants and stop the curse once and for all.

Japanese filmmaker Takashi Shimizu declined the opportunity the direct for a third time leaving Toby Wilkins to take his place. Also declining to return are Takako Fuji (Kayako) and Yuya Ozeki (Toshio) who had portrayed their respective roles six times already!

The team obviously went to great lengths to keep the continuity between this and its parent films amazingly accurate by replicating sets, title sequences, actors, shooting angles and the score, but the lighting is terrible and causes the production to lose the bleak atmosphere that worked so well for the previous films.

Shawnee Smith is wasted in her role as psychologist Dr Sullivan, Gil McKinney is un-menacing as possessed landlord Max and Marina Sirtis (STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION) tries hard but falls flat in an arthritis-stricken cameo. The highlight is SCARY MOVIE 4’s Beau Mirchoff who saves the film by going shirtless in a brief few scenes as hunky boyfriend Andy.

Criticisms aside, THE GRUDGE 3 is a relatively competent offering for the direct-to-disc market and immediately outshines recent d2d releases in the horror genre. The story, though familiar, is solid and best suited for GRUDGE fans well-versed in the history of the curse. The ending, albeit a tad predictable, is still a cracker to watch play out onscreen and adds another dimension should a GRUDGE 4 be in the works.

Originally I only awarded this release two stars, however I have added a bonus for two reasons;

1. Continuity – I am an absolute stickler for consistency and Japan and Chicago are recreated to perfection in Bulgaria.
2. Beau Mirchoff – Dreamy. Beau has just joined the cast of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES and his character is described as "tightly-wound and sexy". Let's hope he has a lot of scenes. Shirtless.

THE GRUDGE 3 is released on Region 4 DVD 29th July 2009.

BRING BACK NIP/TUCK

Julian McMahon turns 41 today and he's gotten his gear off so many times on TV, it's hard to remember he was first known as the son of former Prime Minister Billy McMahon and Lady Sonia McMahon. Of course that was before his TV career kicked off with the Levis commercial, Aussie daytime soap THE POWER, THE PASSION and of course HOME & AWAY (and let's not forget the Phil Avalon speedotastic flick EXCHANGE LIFEGUARDS). Then Hollywood beckoned with PROFILER and CHARMED and now he's the star of NIP/TUCK. Many fans expected to see this show back on Nine's new youth digital channel GO but so far it has not been scheduled. At this rate we'll probably see it first on DVD or Arena so here's a taste of what's to come .... an outrageously raunchy reunion of 80's nighttime soap sirens Shari Belafonte (HOTEL), Deborah Shelton (DALLAS) and Joan Van Ark and Donna Mills (KNOTS LANDING) ...

HELEN MIRREN STRIPPED FIRST FOR AUSTRALIA

Dame Helen Mirren turns 64 today but she ignores being one year off retirement age by continuing to look fit and fabulous. Way back in 1969 she also looked incredible when she came to Queensland's Dunk Island to make her fourth movie called AGE OF CONSENT. It features the delectable Mirren in various states of undress as she plays a carefree island girl more than willing to strip off for artist James Mason. Could be time to get this onto DVD because it's only ever had a British release ...

MORE FINALES MEANS LESS TO WATCH

This week sees another bunch of season finales like MERLIN (tonight), DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES, BROTHERS AND SISTERS, SEA PATROL (Monday), LIPSTICK JUNGLE (Tuesday), THE CHASER'S WAR ON EVERYTHING, PRISON BREAK and it's a real possibility that AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE will also be shown the door if ratings don't pick up this Wednesday. And while there's a few interesting shows waiting in the wings (like THE UNITED STATES OF TARA on Wednesday, RESCUE SPECIAL OPS next Sunday and then IDOL, CELEBRITY MASTERCHEF and NURSE JACKIE) the truth is the good times are over and movies full of commercial breaks are about to make a comeback. Take tonight for example - while Seven go with double episodes of BONES (before the return of LAS VEGAS' last episodes which will be burned off twice a week), Nine and Ten both have movie double bills. Yawn. Still, let's look on the bright side. You now have a chance to watch 30 ROCK with Alec Baldwin (pictured) at a decent timeslot (Wednesdays at 7.30pm or tonight at 6.30pm on TV1). And while you enjoy having a life, TV will return with all your favourite shows in 2010.

THE SUNDAY PAPERS

Could we get a body language expert to tell us what might be going on in this Sunday Telegraph photo of make-up maestro Napoleon Perdis and his wife Soula-Marie? Is it just me or does she look somewhat unpleased being manhandled into position as the dutiful wife? What an uncomfortable looking couple. Much more comforting is the news that the host of Foxtel's Aussie version of boxing reality show THE CONTENDER will be the divine AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL judge Charlotte Dawson (check her out on THE PLAYLIST all this week by going to the LINKS icon at the top and following directions to watch, we've got a mouthful of dialogue as usual). Can't say I'm ever keen to watch anything to do with boxing but with Charlotte on board and stripped-to-the-waist fighters, it might be worth a look from time to time. But the quote of the day comes from the wise Michael Caton, currently starring on PACKED TO THE RAFTERS. He says "We can't afford to make too many more Aussie films that are worthy but no-one sees them. There's no future in that. It's not to say we shouldn't make hard-hitting films but you also have to make films like THE CASTLE which people want to see otherwise what's the point?" Thank you Uncle Harry. Are you listening Rachel Ward?

AUSTRALIA NEEDS A NEW RURAL DRAMA

Until recently there was always a rural drama on TV. We went from BELLBIRD in 1967 to MATLOCK POLICE, then A COUNTRY PRACTICE and BLUE HEELERS but ever since MCLEOD'S DAUGHTERS was put out of its misery, regional viewers have had nothing to identify with. How about a remake of MATLOCK, the greatest Crawfords cop show of them all? HOMICIDE, DIVISON 4 and COP SHOP fans may disagree but baby boomers remember those country cops the most fondly because a) it had the best theme music b) Ten always repeated it in daytime during school holidays and c) it was the only one to have a motorbike. Check out this bad quality but bloody action-packed opener from 1972 and wonder along with me, whatever happened to Grigor Taylor?

HEY HEY ITS THE END OF THE WORLD AS WE KNOW IT ...

It doesn't get any worse than this - HEY HEY IT'S SATURDAY is returning to Nine with not one but two live reunion shows. So if you thought DANCE YOUR ASS OFF was as bad as it gets on Tuesdays, think again. Why hasn't Daryl Somers been left to rot in the TV wilderness after being sacked from DANCING WITH THE STARS? There's no doubt that TV could do with another fun live show on Saturdays but Daryl and co are way too old for the task now, in fact they were all made redundant the night Ozzie Ostrich retired. No doubt it's going to rate but it's bound to be a train wreck mega disaster especially if Daryl sings. Groan.

BOLD & BEAUTIFUL BIRTHDAY

Katharine Kelly Lang turns 48 today and proves she is still one of the most beautiful women in soap. B&B viewers tend to fall into two camps - you're either on Brooke's side when it comes to being with Ridge or you're a Taylor fan. I am unashamedly Team Brooke because I can remember when she was just a poor valley girl waitress being treated like dirt by Stephanie. Last Thursday on Nine's 20-1 the Forrestors were named the ninth greatest TV family but it was bitterwsweet given a bunch of celebs then slammed one of the world's most popular shows. Singer Deni Hines pretended to dry retch while little known comedian George Smilovic showed how "tuff" he still was by sneering that anyone who watches B&B has a psychological disorder. No surprise that Nne would be bitter given that Ten's B&B was largely responsible for their costly news program THIS afternoon getting the axe after just 12 badly rated episodes. So to those of you with a "psychological disorder" and whose idea of comedy isn't restricted to one hit wonders from the '80s, check out when B&B came down under for their 20th anniversary episodes. Scroll through to 4:10 to hear Katharine Kelly Lang speaking Strine - the accent's spot on but the scripting is cringeworthy, especially when Brooke asks Ridege for a "naughty with a franger".

WHAT PASSED FOR SEXY IN THE 1970S ...

Tomorrow morning (Saturday) at 2am, Nine screens the first movie version from the classic sitcom ON THE BUSES. This movie was the biggest box office hit of 1971 in the UK, even beating James Bond's latest adventure DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER. Consequently two sequels followed, MUTINY ON THE BUSES and HOLIDAY ON THE BUSES and next month Beyond Home Entertainment will release all 74 episodes of the TV show in a double decker bus collector's edition boxset. So what is the enduring appeal? Could it possibly be Jack played by Bob Grant (pictured)? He was the randy conductor who lasciviously winked at every bit of strumpet in a mini skirt whil eusually dribbling "Cor blimey" while he copped a feel as they walked past. And as you'll see in this movie, Jack and Stan (Reg Varney) had no shortage of horny housewives wanting a bit while their husbands were off at work. It's downright creepy today to think that this was all once considered sexy but I guess you had to be there .... I am kinda obsessed with all three of these films ...

THE SUMMER BAY PARTY

The good news is HOME & AWAY celebrated its 21st birthday tonight in Sydney. The bad news is it was hosted by Kyle and Jackie O who made jokes about rape and beer bongs (as always, a class act). Most of the actors - past and present - were there, patiently posing for photos with the overdressed 2Day FM winners, including Lincoln Lewis (pictured), Luke Jacobz, Todd Lassance, Jessica Tovey, Bernard Curry, Lynn Collingwood, Cornelia Frances (back as Morag, yay), Axle Whitehead (sporting a moustache), Nicole Dickson (original bad girl Bobby) and Justin Melvey (still sporting the same long hairstyle he had back in the 90s, seriously mate, it was tired and ratty looking back then and it hasn't improved with age). But sadly for the prying eyes of the Sydney media, Jodi Gordon was not in attendance. When it came time to scream out a speech over the unruly but typically rude Sydney crowd, it was flamin' Ray Meagher (Alf) who thanked the show's tirelessly working crew members, scriptwriters and producers. He then announced the show was aiming for more comedy sequences in the future. A few laughs never go astray in any soap as tortured as Summer Bay and H&A is still one of the best Aussie shows on the box so the future is looking better than ever.

DELUDED DIRECTORS

What is it with Aussie "celebrity" directors comparing their questionable movies to the greatest films ever made? Baz Luhrmann repeatedly claimed that AUSTRALIA was going to be our very own GONE WITH THE WIND. Um, Baz, for a film to become an epic it needs to be grounded in some sort of realism, not a flouncy fairy tale. Now we have Rachel Ward who has directed her first feature length flick called BEAUTIFUL KATE. Now I love Rachel Ward. Loved her in THE THORN BIRDS. Loved her ABC drama RAIN SHADOW. I even loved the remake of ON THE BEACH. But what is going through her mind as she hits the promotional trail for BEAUTIFUL KATE? First she says that all young actresses should get over their bodies and strip off on-screen as soon as possible. Look, I love nudity as much as the next guy but it has to be equal opportunity. In BEAUTIFUL KATE, several girls are required to get their titties out but the blokes only have to do brief backside flashes. Then Rchel went on MORNINGS WITH KERRI-ANNE and said the film was an epic romance like DR ZHIVAGO. What? I don't remember Omar Shariff hacking his guts up and pissing into a bottle like the character Bryan Brown plays in his wife's film. And the turgid sex on display in BEAUTIFUL KATE could hardly be classified as romantic. The only romanticising in the movie was Ben Mendelsohn's fetish with nicotine. Just like in LOVE MY WAY, Ben smokes constantly but its' extra clever because he can do it with no hands! The ciggie just dangles from the lips and the smoke comes out the nose (and in one memorable jump the shark moment in LOVE MY WAY Ben even smoked under a running shower). Brilliant stuff but how about putting the smokes away and acting for a change?

TV HICCUPS BEFORE THE BURP

This morning on TODAY Jules Lund announced that AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE had rated 1.9 million and already won an Emmy. Funny and he did admit later he was only joking. But nobody at Nine will be laughing now that the official ratings have come in and it's Axle Whithead's WORLD STRICTEST PARENTS on Seven which was the smash hit with 1.5 million viewers. Coming a distant fourth in the timeslot, even behind THE 7.30 REPORT, was AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE with just 798,000 viewers. Ouch. Will it still be there next week of will it too disappear just like DANCE YOUR ASS OFF which (as predicted) is gone from the schedule to be replaced next Tuesday by more TWO AND A HALF MEN repeats (stop laughing). Guess that means there won't be an Aussie version of DANCE YOUR ASS OFF because Nine also paid for local format rights (money not well spent). Also slipping last night was Ten's THE 7PM PROJECT, now down to 874,000 viewers as HOME & AWAY stormed back from a wilderness in the MASTERCHEF desert to reclaim the 7pm timeslot. Tonight all eyes will be on Seven as they begin an ambitous new double bill from 8.30pm. It kicks off with DOUBLE TAKE, a new half hour sketch comedy show in the vein of FAST FORWARD (expect lot of TV send-ups) but it's the 9pm project that I am hanging out for. TV BURP promises to be a hilarious look at our favourite TV shows and it'll be hosted by a true lover of TV, Mr Ed Kavalee. He's one of the improv performers from THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE and was also part of the greatest radio show ever GET THIS (along with Tony Martin on Triple M before the network STUPIDLY axed it a few years back). And don't forget the final episode of BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE on ABC2 (before it's DVD release on August 20).

RAFTERS BACK ON TOP

PACKED TO THE RAFTERS returned to the number one rating slot last night with its best episode so far this season. It's been a bit hit and miss lately and looked like it might be about to jump the shark with advertised cameos from David Campbell and Kate Ceberano. Instead those singers kicked off a new music career storyline for Nathan (Angus McLaren) which looks like it will only get more amusing next week when the straightlaced Rafter son tries to be more cool. And we are loving Rachel (Jessica Marais) trying not to fall for a bogan called Jake (James Stewart). Coincidentally yesterday I also saw a fantastic new Aussie movie featuring James Stewart (once on BREAKERS) which also stars Gary Sweet, Steve Bisley, Kris McQuade, Brooke Satchwell, Denise Roberts and Bruce Spence. It's called SUBDIVISION and comes out on August 20 so go to their website to watch the trailer at

www.subdivisionmovie.com.au

because this YouTube version isn't the greatest quality ...

AXLE VS LUND

Tonight it's Axle Whitehead vs Jules Lund as the two guys go head to head with Seven's WORLD'S STRICTEST PARENTS and Nine's AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE both premiering at 7.30pm (note both premises have been waiting in the wings waiting for MASTERCHEF to end). Jules and Axle are both good blokes but will the battle by won by pre-publicity over over-exposure? Jules has been on Nine non-stop this week with TODAY (replacing Richard Wilkins his week), MORNINGS WITH KERRIE-ANNE, GETAWAY and apparently last Sunday's RANDOM ACTS OF VIOLENCE. By comparison, Axle is almost a recluse and isn't even on-air in HOME & AWAY at the moment. I haven't seen WORLD'S STRICTEST PARENTS and wish I could say the same about AUSTRALIA'S PERFECT COUPLE. It's not going to do Jules any favours given how many dogs he's already endured from Nine (although at least he's self-deprecating enough to actually apoligise for HOLE IN THE WALL while appearing on the similarly short-lived COMMERCIAL BREAKDOWN). Maybe Seven and Nine should combine their resources and do WORLD'S STRICTEST PERFECT COUPLE? OK, maybe not because a reality hybrid last night was an absolute disaster. DANCE YOUR ASS OFF, which combined SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE and THE BIGGEST LOSER, attracted a measly 797,000 viewers and with numbers like that, it probably won't be back next week. Jules and Axle, hope you two have better luck tonight ...

THE BEST HORROR MOVIE IN YEARS

Horror movies have recently become all-out nasty gorefests with every film trying to out gross the last with more and more disgusting blood and guts sequences (yes SAW and HOSTEL I'm talking about you). But now SPIDERMAN director Sam Raimi has returned to his EVIL DEAD roots by crafting not only the best horror film in years but also one of the top movies of 2009. Rather than hacking off limbs or torturing naked women, Raimi tells an almost old-fashioned tale about a truly revolting old gypsy woman who places a curse upon a young bank clerk. It's been a long time since I saw such an enjoyable out of your seat. And unlike those overblown ego trip blockbusters that run for a bum-numbing two and a half hours, DRAG ME TO HELL leaves you wanting more and gasping at its audacious ending. Bravo Mr Raimi! Drag yourself off to see this one immediately - 4 stars.

THE SUNDAY NIGHT CURSE STRIKES AGAIN

Given MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA set a new ratings record and THE 7PM PROJECT got off to a flying start, Ten should be feeling the love. Instead they've just announced that their US version of THE BIGGEST LOSER is being dumped to late-night. It's the latest Sunday night disaster to fail in the post-ROVE timeslot and fans who've been faithfully following the reality show will be unimpressed at having to wait till Sunday week at 10.50pm for the next episode. This Sunday will now be the movie double NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM and YOU, ME AND DUPREE. Oh dear. Why is AUSTRALIAN IDOL delayed? It's not back until Sunday 9 August when it will begin at the earlier time of ... 6.30pm, once again going head-to head with ANCING WITH THE STARS ...

GUY'S GUYS AND DOLLS

They may have divorced but it seems that Madonna has rubbed off on Guy Ritchie in more ways than one. Guy's next movie is rumnoured to be a remake of the musical GUYS AND DOLLS to star Jason Statham (pictured) and Justin Timberlake. Statham is poised to play the role of Sky Masterton which is the same role Ian Stenlake has in the Aussie stage version. So clearly acting isn't a neccesity for the part (Stenlake is so wooden on SEA PATROL he'd float if you threw him overboard) but surely singing is kinda neccesary. Can Staham hold a tune or is this the worst movie warbler since Pierce Brosnan in MAMMA MIA? Maybe Dawn French could take over from Magda Szubanski as Big Jule because at least she's still big. Magda isn't anymore and was advertised all weekend to appear on A CURRENT AFFAIR last night. But at the last moment, Magda was dropped and replaced by MASTERCHEF'S Julie so her weight loss exclusive is now scheduled for tonight.

I DREAM OF THE 7PM PROJECT

Last night THE 7PM PROJECT got off to a mighty start in the ratings, winning its timeslot with 1.28 million viewers. But if it was a school project being handed in to a teacher, they probably would have graded it with a B- or maybe a C+. This show has potential and it seems unfair to criticise it after only one episode but given how many people watched I'd better weigh in with my thoughts. We do not want Ten axing it for more repeats of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND so here's how to make THE 7PM PROJECT an A+ viewing assignment...

1. It's not ROVE so quit using his graphics.
2. RUSH already has too much shaky camerawork so all other Ten shows should use a tripod.
3. Given that she used to send up the news on ROVE, it's disconcerting to have Carrie Bickmore now being a straight newsreader. If Graham Kennedy's news show really is in an inspiration, remember that he cracked a gag for just about every news item so keep it light and let the other guys interject more.
4. Why did Dave Hughes do the cricket story when Jimmy Mathison (pictured) was promoted as being the show's sports guy? Stop wasting his talent and let him do a nightly sports wrap-up (and let a screen cover up Carrie's head to even the score).
5. Ruby Rose, enough with the vaginatarianism, please. We get it, you like girls, so stop the "drooling" and show us what else you can do. Otherwise, let Carrie Bickmore do the puff pieces (and by the way, doesn't G.I. JOE look like the biggest piece of shit ever).

So that's what I think but maybe I'm not the target audience. I'm so old I got the day off school 40 years ago to watch the moon landing. All I can remember is riding my scooter in the backyard with the neighbours while our parents (who must have also got the day off) drank beer and watched the black and white TV images. I had zero interest in astronauts except for the one with the magic bottle on I DREAM OF JEANNIE. So since every season of that classic sitcom is now out on DVD, let's hope the two reunion movies (1985's I DREAM OF JEANNIE: 15 YEARS LATER and 1991's I STILL DREAM OF JEANNIE) also get a look-in soon ...

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA

REPO! THE GENETIC OPERA 1/2 a star

The producers of SAW bring us this rock-opera musical set in the not so distant future. Earth has been devastated by disease and organ failure and born out of this tragedy is GeneCo, a biotech company offering organ transplant and other surgeries with a payment system. But everything comes with a catch and those who miss payments are scheduled for repossession and hunted down by the Repo Man.

Obviously written as a brutal satire of a consumer driven culture obsessed with youth and looks, what should have been an interesting (if somewhat macabre) premise comes off as adolescent schlock. REPO! is a big mess. Visually stunning and artistically rich but musically incoherent. The lyrics are cheap and amateurish with dialogue that should be sung and vocal lines that should be spoken. The style jumps about, changing genre and tempo multiple times within a 10-second period, creating confusion for the viewer. The comic book sequences designed to speed up back-story elements actually slow the pace down.

Originally penned as a stage play, REPO! features a bizarre collection of cult favourites, child-stars and world famous opera singers. SPY KIDS’ Alexa Vega plays her role with a petulant angst that is both annoying and un-convincing. Her vocal range is sub-par and actually makes Paris Hilton (in a heightened reality version of her heiress self) come off as the better singer here. Anthony Stewart Head improves on his BUFFY singing but the role somehow comes off a little too close to that of Giles. Sarah Brightman is a (vocal) highlight in a small role that is worlds apart from her signature turn in PHANTOM OF THE OPERA. She also manages to appear younger now than she did twenty years ago.

I am not adverse to gore (in fact I’m a huge fan of the SAW movies) but found it unnecessary here. I certainly didn’t need to see sweet Sarah Brightman gouge out her own eyes before a nasty encounter with an iron fence.

Had I not been reviewing this DVD for mercadoTV I would have turned it off within the first thirty minutes. I actually spent most of the last hour (in between cringes and shakes of my head) wondering how on earth they managed to get Tony Head, Sarah Brightman and Paul Sorvino to even appear in this unsettling disaster.

Watch if you have a secret desire to see Paris Hilton’s face fall off on stage, but I personally would rather zap myself with a taser for 90-minutes than face this movie again.

THE 7PM PROJECT COMPARES ITSELF TO GRAHAM KENNEDY'S NEWS SHOW

Ten set a new ratings record last night with their MASTERCHEF Finale. 3.7 million viewers made it the highest-rated non-spotting event sice the introduction of people meters in 2001, smashing formerblockbusters like AUSTRALIAN IDOL and THE BLOCK and leaving Seven and Nine floundering in its wake. 60 MINUTES didn't even get a million viewers last night despite its exclusive interview with the missing hiker lost in the Blue Mountains - kind of makes you wonder why the paid interview didn't get given to A CURRENT AFFAIR instead. Seven will repeat last night's DANCING WITH THE STARS next Saturday at 3pm after it logged just 1.1 million viewers. But while Ten deserve a day off today to celebrate their historic win, all eyes will be on their next bold move which begins tonight. Today in The Australian, THE 7PM PROJECT is described by its producer as being a news show with comedy, perhaps a bit like Clive Robertson and Graham Kennedy's late night news shows from the late 80s. Coincidentally, GRAHAM KENNEDY'S COAST TO COAST is coming out on DVD next month and it should raise eyebrows with its footage of Seven newsreader Ian Ross. How does Roscoe look so fresh today given how old he looked back way back in the 80s? At least THE 7PM PROJECT can ride the MASTERCHEF train tonight with Julie being its first guest. Let's hope she doesn't say she wants a carrer in television because I just said in an interview for tonight's A CURRENT AFFAIR that she seems more interested in opening her family restaurant. Good luck to her and tonight's 7PM PROJECT ....

THE IT GIRLS RULE

Today's News Ltd's Sunday magazine features four Aussie It girls which has left me wondering what are It girls and who decided we needed them? This quaint term seems to come from England where it best describes girls who become hot property due to their regular appearances in social columns before their inevitable desperate demises into eating disorders or D-list celeb reality shows. Let's pray that never happens to our four Aussie It girls today who are Zoe Naylor (McLEOD'S DAUGHTERS actress who co-hosted the failed GLADIATORS revival), Gracie Otto (a supposed actor and filmmaker who once dated Matthew Newton) and Erin McNaught (2006 Miss Universe contestant who also starred in NEIGHBOURS). But standing head and shoulders above them all is Ruby Rose. MTV's Ruby Rose. Ruby Everywhere Rose. Earlier this year this up-and-comer was voted as the Most Popular Female on Subscription TV and in her winning speech, she forgot to thank MTV, the network who discovered her via a VJ search, but did remember to thank two Foxtel executives. Smart girl, no wonder she was next seen reporting backstage from the AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL Finale. Ruby then ended her speech with the revelation that she had been a victim of bullying in high school. Brilliant! With one fell swoop she became the poster girl for bullying as well as being the current poster girl for lesbianism. Ruby would have just been another MTV VJ were it not for the fact she was photographed kissing one of The Veronicas. Honestly, those pesky papparazzi can spot secret lip-locks even in darkened nightclubs! And when Ruby went to LA a camera lens (supposedly there only to photograph Jack Osbourne) even discovered her there kissing another Aussie star, this time a model. Damn those LA paps are good. At the ASTRAS one wag joked that Ruby would next be the poster girl for breast cancer and sure enough, today's Sunday cover is indeed for Fashion Targets Breast Cancer. How wonderful that our Aussie It Girls are selflessly giving up their time to slip into glamorous frocks for chairty. Bravo. Check out Miss Ruby Rose when she begins her latest gig tomorrow on THE 7PM PROJECT. The comedy news show is another big gamble for Ten and Ruby will have great support from fellow panellists Charlie Pickering, Dave Hughes, Carrie Bickmore and James Mathieson. And let's hope all of our It girls have long and fashionable careers because elsewhere in The Sunday Telegraph, a Retro music chart reminds us that in 1990 Tina Arena was charting in the Top 10. It was for a song (and a look) she's not overly proud of today but Tina has gracefully survived many ups and downs in the world of showbiz. And whilst I don't ever remember her being an It girl, ultimately she has proved that integrity, consistency and true talent will most help one's longevity ...

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK

MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK *** 1/2

This cute 1989 telemovie follows the former members of fictional 60’s supergroup The Bouffants as they are unwittingly reunited for a TV special (My Boyfriend’s Back – named after their hit song) twenty years after they disbanded. Though two decades have gone by, sparks fly when the trio reform. Old grudges re-emerge and there are more than a few scores that need settling.

Judith Light (ONE LIFE TO LIVE, WHO’S THE BOSS and UGLY BETTY) is a stand-out as Vickie Vine, slightly rough and very gaudy, who now sings in a small town bowling alley, aching for the days when she was an A-list star. Sandy Duncan’s (TV’s VALERIE) perky Chris is infectious and likeable. Both women have amazing comic timing and carry this movie, playing off each other with a natural ease. The soundtrack makes good use of amped up 80’s versions of 60’s hits. A major highlight though is the 80’s-era costumes and sets - giant hair, giant shoulder-pads, millions of sequins and pastel colours everywhere. Most of the singers that appear in the fictional reunion special are real 60’s superstars.

Camp and feel-good, this is one of those rare telemovies that really shines with quality production, a tight script and brilliant pacing and could probably have done well on the big screen. In fact, a remake starring someone like Bette Midler would go down a treat!

MY BOYFRIEND’S BACK is out on DVD now through Beyond Entertainment.

SALLY SPECTRA WAS THE BEST

Darlene Conley would have turned 73 today had she not died in 2007. This wonderful woman played the immortal Sally Spectra on THE BOLD AND THE BEAUTIFUL and she really was immortal because the soap refuses to kill her off preferring instead that Sally live forever in a secret beachside lcoation surrounded by cocktails and boys. I had the immense pleasure of meeting this legendary star twice. The first was during a B&B set visit when she arrived on her day off with home baked Christmas cakes for the crew. She sashayed across the studio floor to me cooing "Mister Australia" before grabbing my head and rubbing it between her voluptuous breast. Heaven. The next time I interviewed her for Channel [V] and she talked about her role in THE BIRDS and how Alred Hitchcock had given her a great piece of acting advice. "It's all about the EYES," he had told her and she literally took him on his word from that point on. Darlene plays a waitress with Coke lenses in the diner and when the birds attack, watch as Tippi Hedren and everyone els rush to the window to watch. There you will see Darlene's eye acting at its very best and a forerunner to what would become a Sally Spectra trademake. Was there ever a greater moment in soap than when Sally Spectra gave birth to CJ, oohing and aahing to the contractions along with those magnificent eyes. So let's all raise a glass today to Darlene because there will never be another one like her ...

HOWCHA DO HOWCHA DO HOWCHA DO MY DEAR

Happy Birthday to Phyllis Diller who turns 92 today. Who doesn't love this legendary comic with her cackling laugh, fright wig and lots of jokes about her plastic surgery (pre Joan Rivers) and her husband called Fang. Phyllis starred in a short-lived TV series in the 60's that was the reverse of THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. In it she played a mega-rich matriarch whose family lost all their money but the government needed to make out they still had their cash or the world economy would have collapsed! So Phyllis and co got to keep on swanning around their mansion and with a wacky theme song like this, let's hope THE PRUITTS OF SOUTHAMPTON might one day get a DVD release ...

HARRY POTTER STILL HOT

HARRY POTTER has broken box office records again even though Daniel Radcliffe didn't disrobe on screen a la his infamous nude scenes in the play EQUUS. Last night I listened to this dill on 2GB bang on about how much money HARRY POTTER AND THE HALF-BLOODED PRINCE had taken in its first day st the Australian box office, apparently Thursday. Now I know these titles can get confusing but the HALF-BLOOD PRINCE opened the day before on Wednesday but 2GB man couldn't figure this out. Never once did he realise that it would be impossible to have same day figures from cinemas at 7pm even though no evening sessions had yet been tallied. Not surprisingly he then said his fvourite movies ever were FORREST GUMP and DEAD POETS SOCIETY so I rest my case. Anyway HARRY POTTER'S 6th film did indeed take in mega cash on Wednesday and became the biggest opening ever for a movie not released on a public holiday (only LORD OF THE RINGS bettered it with their 2 big Boxing Day openings). I quite liked the film (and give it 3 and half stars) even though I was somewhat confused by the plot. It would be probably help to re-watch the last movie or movies to keep track.

SEXY SCHOOLGIRLS MAKE FOR CLASSIC TV

Before PRISONER and before NEIGHBOURS, Grundy's first foray in TV drama was CLASS OF '74. Seven wanted a high school series for an early evening timeslot so a “no nude scenes” ultimatum was passed (this was the era of the raunchy NUMBER 96 and THE BOX) but storyline-wise, the swinging co-educational Warratah High crammed their early episodes with as many sexual situations as possible. The very first episode had a student/teacher love affair as sweet schoolgirl Julie (Carla Hoogeveen,) whispered to her hunky teacher (Vince Martin before playing E STREET'S Mr Bad), “I love you … Sir”. Bikie student Greg Chris Cummings) deflowered virgin Nora (Barbara Llwellyn) in a tent but the scene was cut just before the premiere and never aired (it can be seen, however, in the second YouTube clip below). The publicity about the inappropriate content was enough to ensure a record-breaking opening night with a ratings share of 37 becoming the highest ever recorded for a 7pm show to that point. With the sex toned down, CLASS OF '74 settled down and added in more comedy so here's some memories from that show with the great theme song from Brian Cadd ...

EVERY TV SHOW EVER MADE IS RIPE FOR A BIG SCREEN REMAKE

Hollywood is scraping the bottom of the barrel again with news that the cartoon HONG KONG PHOOEY is to be developed as a big screen CGI hybrid movie. Sounds like this could be the next LAND OF THE LOST where a big studio throws away $100 million on a property nobody really remembers or cares about. Apparently there's also talk to do movies of YOGI BEAR, THE SMURFS and TOM AND JERRY but surely there's a lot more love for those shows than one of the lesser Hanna Barbera cartoons. What's next - MAGILLA GORILLA? HELP IT'S THE HAIR BEAR BUNCH? Actually WACKY RACES could be really fun and surely TOP CAT was way cooler stupid HONG KONG PHOOEY. There's also a whisper that a new JETSONS movie could be coming which would be great given they could update their technology. Surely in the future we haven't gone back to fat back TVs, have we?

NINE'S NEW CHANNEL IS GO!

A schedule has finally been announced for Nine's new SD channel and as rumoured, it is indeed a youth channel aimed at 14 - 39 year olds. GO (to be available on channel 99) will offer specifically different programs from Nine's main channel. For example, on Thursdays when Nine typically airs male-skewing shows like THE FOOTY SHOW, GO will run girlie fare like GOSSIP GIRL and THE HILLS. Monday is reality for the boys with DOG THE BOUNTY HUNTER and BAD LADS ARMY (yawn)but Tuesday should be more pleasing with SURVIVOR (finally), THE BACHELOR nad THE BACHELORETTE. Wednesdays are sci-fi (SARAH CONNOR CHRONICLES, MOONLIGHT and FRINGE) and Fridays and Saturdays are non-stop CSI (because its target audience is mostly out and about). The good news is GO will be free and the new home for much-missed cult hits like WEEDS, CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, THE WIRE (which explains why all were suddenly dropped from the Nine main schedule last week) and (hopefully) NIP/TUCK. Nine also hint that any show that doesn't work on their main channel will be moved over to GO so that its run can continue uninterrupted (which is what might happen to the eagerly awaited remake of alien lizard hit V because we all now that sci-fi never rates on Aussie TV). It'll also be great to have Nine HD back doing what it's supposed to do which is simulcasting all Nine shows in High Definition (I've missed the ladies of THE VIEW). The bad news, however, is that GO doesn't have anything new for Foxtel viewers - yet. That will change from October when GO gets the exclusive Australian premiere of the fast-tracked TWILIGHT-like teen drama THE VAMPIRE DIARIES. So that means we've now got ABC2 (combination of time-shited and original programming), Ten's ONE (sport = boring), SBS2 (world news and world movies, zzzzz) and GO. It's now over to Seven to see what they'll offer.

THE MOST UNSETTLING AUSSIE FILM EVER MADE

When WAKE IN FRIGHT was released in Australia in 1971, local audiences were revolted and angered by it. There was no Australian film industry at this stage and people thought it irresponsible to portray their country in such a negative way to overseas audience. Hey, the truth hurts folks. Now this truly unsettling film has been re-released after being lost for years. I saw it late at night on Channel 0 when I was a kid and was profoundly disturbed by it. Last Sunday I went to a packed cinema to see if it was as powerfulas as I remembered and it was all that and more. It was never released on video and the original negatives were only found after years of searching just before they were nearly destroyed (so bravo to editor Anthony Buckley who tracked them down). WAKE IN FRIGHT is Jack Thompson’s first ever movie (he plays a kangarroo-shooting yobbo) and it's Chip Rafferty’s final film (he plays a boofhead policeman). Look closely and you’ll also see John Meillon (playing a drunk, big surprise there), Dawn Lake (playing a barmaid since her real-lie husband Bobby Limb was one of the film’s investors) and Maggie Dence (who almost stole the movie for me playing a slovenly hotel receptionist who keeps cool in the stifling heat by dripping her fingers into a glass of water and then rubbing them over her face as she sits in front of a fan). But we shouldn’t forget the imported English stars of the film, Donald Pleasance (HALLOWEEN) and Gary Bond in the title role (pictured) who is reminiscent of a young Peter O’Toole from LAWRENCE OF ARABIA. Bond has a full frontal nude scene in the film that was covered up in overseas version of the film but thankfully, his stunning full monty has survived for the re-release. WAKE IN FRIGHT is now playing in Sydney, Melbourne and other capital cities and will also soon be released on DVD through Madman but if you get a chance to see it while it's on a big screen, DO IT!

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: CENTRE STAGE: TURN IT UP

CENTRE STAGE: TURN IT UP *1/2

Sigh. Attempting to cash-in on the dance movie craze (which I still don’t get) this direct-to-disc telemovie sequel to 2000’s CENTRE STAGE is world’s apart from the classy, well-rounded original despite many inescapable similarities.

Kate Parker (Rachele Brooke Smith) (who looks like the lovechild of Britney Spears and Ashley Simpson-Wentz) is the big dreamer who wants to get into the American Ballet Academy. Kenny Wormald is Tommy Anderson, the good looking yet dim hockey-player-turned-ballerina love interest. Sarah Jayne Jensen is Suzanne von Stroh, the bitchy blonde with connected parents who becomes Kate’s archnemesis.

Predictable fare as Kate is rejected from Academy, meets hot boy who gives her ballet advice, she gives him hip-hop skills, bitchy blonde tries to steal hot guy, girl inexplicably gets chosen out of hundreds of qualified, professionally trained dancers at open casting call to appear in Broadway show. The end. Oh, and there’s something about two of the guys from the original film thrown in somewhere too.

Like the original, the actors here are dancers with no acting training and it is made even more obvious by an un-original story, generic cookie-cutter script and laughable dialogue that tries too hard to be “street” (imagine your Nan saying “rad” and “dude” in every sentence). Sarah Jayne Jensen is competent enough as Suzanne but every time she smiles I get distracted by her mouthful of razor-sharp teeth leading me to believe she would have been more suited in a movie about dancing werewolves.

The refined tone of the original film is lost here and the setting of the ABA is rarely used. CENTRE STAGE alum Peter Gallagher and Ethan Stiefel appear only long enough to collect their pay cheques – almost as if the film were written as a generic dance flick and had the Centre Stage title tacked on at the last minute. The characterisation is inconsistent as Kate flickers between sweet, innocent girl from a poor family and overly-confident bartender / Pussycat Doll. Anyone who has had dance training will instantly cringe at the flawed ballet techniques of the hip-hop / jazz dancer cast.

Watch if you like non-specific hip-hop dance movies like SAVE THE LAST DANCE or HONEY but avoid if you’re particularly attached the original CENTRE STAGE. Why not just save your money and watch SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE on TV instead?

NICOLE KIDMAN WANTS TO BE MORE FAMOUS

Nicole Kidman has sacked her American publicist of 15 years for a new one and the media is speculating it's because her US profile and critical success has struggled in recent years. Sorry, but if this is true, how can any of that be the fault of the publicist? Ultimately it's Nicole who has chosen to star in a string of movie shockers like BEWTICHED, THE STEPFORD WIVES, THE INVASION, THE GOLDEN COMPASS, DOGVILLE and of course, AUSTRALIA. Things could be on the improve for Nic with upcoming roles in hot musical NINE and the drama THE RABBIT HOLE (directed by HEDWIG AND THE ANGRY INCH creator John Cameron Mitchell). Unfortunately she is also attached to a Dusty Springfield biopic and a remake of HOW TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE (repeat after me Nicole - no more remakes EVER). No news yet on whether she is also dumping Aussie publicist Wendy Day which would be a shame for anyone who has watched the media suck up to her. Kidman movie previews are always hilariously entertaining as Day is treated like the Queen Mother with rival entertainment reporters fighting each other to escort her up the stairs and sit next to her. It's all so they can get an EXCLUSIVE with Nicole but the day that Day doesn't have her famous client, she'll probably have to stumble in the dark all by herself.

EVERY BOYBAND HAS A GAY BOY ...

On the eve of a reunion concert UK tour for Blue, boy band member Duncan James has revealed he is bisexual and has had many, many affairs with men (read more at News Of The World). Tabloids used to label him a "notorious womanzier" but what do we make now of celeb grilfriends such as Geri Halliwell, Martine McCutcheon and Tara Palmer Tomkinson. How hilarious that he has clearly been attracted to fag hags but good luck for his future, thanks for the honesty and I look forward to the appearance on The Graham Norton Show very very soon. So now Blue has Duncan, Boyzone has Stephen Gately and N*S*Y*N*C has Lance Bass - who on earth will be next? Kids on the Block? Take That? Another from N*S*Y*N*C .... hello JC Chasez?

NO MORE TRASHY TV FAMILIES

Two of the best shows on TV sadly finish up their current seasons tonight. 30 ROCK bows out (11.30pm on Seven) with an all-star guest cast that includes Alan Alda, Sheryl Crow, Mary J Blige, Elvis Costello, The Beastie Boys and a hilariously drunk Cyndi Lauper. 30 ROCK fans shouldn't get too upset though with TV1 starting the show from the beginning next Wednesday week (July 20). The other great show winding up tonight is SHAMELESS (10pm on SBS). This series never fails to amuse me as it loses major actors every season only to successfully bring new supporting characters to the forefront. Filming is now underway in the UK for the show's seventh season and it promises to be another ripper with reports Frank will get a new librarian lady friend and party poofs Micky and Ian will share a house together. Other plot spoilers also hint there could be a character dying tonight so be prepared. Without the Gallaghers on air, it might be time to start ew-watching the 4th season of OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE (now on DVD0 which also just finished on Foxtel a few weeks ago. If you've never gotten into this NZ hit, here's what we love about it ....

LA TOYA, IT'S GREAT TO HAVE YOU BACK

From the moment she wore THAT HAT to her brother's memorial, it was clear that La Toya Jackson was planning a comeback. Sensationally, she hasn't even waited a week to make her next move which has come via a headline-making four-hour interview to that journalistic bible News Of The World. According to La Toya, Michael was murdered, he loved his curries and she was the the family member closest to him (but of course). She also claims his house was ransacked after his death because when she went looking for the jewellery and $2 million cash he always had lying around, it was already gone. Hence why La Toya has been forced to do this interview! One can only hope she is also considering a 3rd pictorial for Playboy.

ARCADE GETS ANOTHER WALK THROUGH

There is no bigger disaster in TV than ARCADE. This short-lived 1980 soap came from the makers of NUMBER 96 and was about a row of shops in a Cremorne mall. There was the newsagency starring Lorrae Desmond (before A COUNTRY PRACTICE) and Peggy Toppano (mother of Peta), Kitty’s Record Bar, the pinball parlour run by Mike Dorsey (NUMBER 96's Reg McDonald), Aristocrat Dry Cleaners with Syd Heylen (Cookie from A COUNTRY PRACTICE), the dinky-di delicatessan run by Asians (with a brother and sister about to fall in love), a gym run by Garth Meade (the then-husband of NUMBER 96's Elaine Lee) and Coral Kelly (before she became soap scriptwriter Coral Drouyn), a gift shop with zany Anne Semler (wife of Academy Award winning cinematographer Dean Semler) and finally the Surf n’ Ski shop with bare-chested Patrick Ward and Olga Tamara (before COP SHOP).

Amazingly, viewers failed to respond to a show that was supposed to be as familiar as a trip to your local mall. Wasn’t there a slut, an old maid, a paraplegic, a snob, a drunk, an Asian family, a bitch, a poof, a fattie, a drongo, a blonde with big tits and a male chauvinist serving behind the counters of every suburban shopping centre in Australia?

Well, maybe not, but at least the shops themselves were realistic, with actual goods, and if the audience wasn’t buying it, at least the extras were helping themselves to everything they could get their hands on. Theft was so rife on the set, security guards were on guard full-time protecting the shop items. And while a horde of extras made the Arcade look crowded, their constant walking to and fro was so noisy it was almost impossible to hear the dialogue over the din. But did anyone really want to hear it as the clichés continued to pile up every night?

Timeslot competitors (it screened at 7pm on weeknights) THE SULLIVANS and WILLESEE AT SVEN actually increased their audience once ARCADE started and, worst of all, the show even trailed the usually last-rating ABC News. In Sydney, it rated a measly 7.5 share when 20 was considered to be the lowest acceptable figure. Within minutes of the first official ratings survey being released, Ten made a snap decision to shut down production. Just 49 episodes had been produced and only 30 ever aired. Not much remains today but these scenes from the first episode have just surfaced on YouTube.

DANCING WITH THE PUBLICITY

Today in The Sunday Telegraph, Todd McKenney denies his recent shenanigans have been publicity stunts. Let's see, there's been the baby he wants to have with Sonia Kruger, the goatee he refused to shave off for TV and the 'Twittering' he refuses to stop typing from the set of DANCING WITH THE STARS. Apparently Seven's heirarchy want him to stop but give me a break. They don't want to stop any of this "controversy" given the first episode last week was the 7th highest-rated show of the week. It was overly long and particularly dull but did finally prove to be inspiring TV when the world's first blind dancer took to the stage (right at the end, of course). If only more blind people were listening to Todd's struggling radio show he does in Sydney with the lovely Sonia Kruger. After 18 months on air, it's not made much of an impact and could soon be getting the boot. So don't be surprised if there is more "controversy" to come because those happy balloons in radio land could be about to run out of hot air. Let's just hope that Twitter doesn't take the place of being a TV judge. Much of what he said last week was bang on but don't restrict it to the Twitterers - say it live on air. After all, isn't that what he's paid to do?

REMEMBER WHEN DAYS OF OUR LIVES USED TO BE GREAT?

July 11 is a distinguished birthdate for famous people. There's Yul Brynner (THE KING AND I), Reg Varney (ON THE BUSES), fashion designer Giorgio Armani (75), legendary Aussie Prime Minister Gough Whitlam (93) and Aussie actress Rachael Taylor (who wisely refused to do the terrible TRANSFORMERS sequel despite starring in the first one). There's also Susan Seaforth Hayes (66) who played Julie Horton, Daytime's first soap superstar. Before Luke and Laura exploded on GENERAL HOSPITAL in the '80s, it was DAYS OF OUR LIVES' Doug and Julie who were on the cover of TIME in the 70s. Once upon a time DOOL was required viewing. My own soap obsession started the day I was playing at a friend's place during his school holdays and his mother arrived home from grocery shopping. She ran up the back steps, threw the bags onto the floor spilling the contents everywhere, and ran through the house screaming "Addie's taken an overdose!". She bolted to the TV and I wandered in behind her, settling down to watch DOOL for the first time. So here's Doug and Julie's wedding from 1976, complete with pink-veiled bridesmaids and Marlena (Dierdre Hall) looking more matronly over 30 years ago than she does today ...

AUSSIE MOVIE CLASSIC FINALLY GETS A DVD RELEASE

Ever heard of a 1983 Australian flick called BUDDIES? Stars Colin Friels, Harold Hopkins, Kris McQuade and Bruce Spence? About a bunch of mates hanging out in Central Queensland digging for gems? Never heard of it? Well, don't feel bad because the film only lasted a few weeks in cinemas because it was released independently rather than with a major cinema chain and back then, that was a recipe for disaster. It then only aired on TV once or twice and never got a VHS release. So it is with great pleasure that I can report a pristine print has finally been given the full DVD treatment from Umbrella. This movie is charming and still very very funny with great performances. It's from John Dingwall, the same (and now late) director responsible for SUNDAY TOO FAR AWAY. He deservedly won the AFI Award for Best Screenplay and hopefully will now get some more credit for this film as it hopefully finds a new audience. I interviewed Harold Hopkins and Kris McQuade for the new documentary and they have some very funny stories to tell about the filming. Well worth checking out.
BUDDIES out through Umbrella Entertainment, 4 stars ****

ALL SAINTS ALL AXED

Very sad news today to hear that ALL SAINTS is finishing up after an amazing 11-year run. The good news is that they'll have time to draft a fitting finale, the bad news is we won't get our weekly fix of Judith McGrath (pictured with John Howard) who is the only original cast member left. Seven are blaming production costs and that's not too far off the truth. This year's MRU (Medical Rescue Unit) revamp was a flop because viewers were short-changed. You can't promise a flashy new helicopter via promotions and new opening credits and then downgrade it to a 4WD a few weeks later when the money runs out. Maybe if they'd given the show a decent budget to create a new action vibe, Seven would still have a worthy competitor to Ten's RUSH (back soon although I still loathe the show) and Nine's upcoming RESCUE: SPECIAL OPS (which is looking brilliant given its first on-air promo). RIP ALL SAINTS, make it a good ending (perhaps with Georgie Parker, hint hint).
UPDATE: This morning on SUNRISE the team covered the axing by re-screening (in full) that ridiculous moment where Kochie played an Elvis impersonator. Oh yeah, that's really how we want to remember the show after 493 episodes.

OLIVE FROM ON THE BUSES IS BACK

There have been some great weddings in the 24 year history of EASTENDERS and having seen every episode I could go on and on here but I won't. Tonight on UKTV at 7pm it's time for Peggy Mitchell (played by CARRY ON legend Barbara Windsor) to walk down the aisle again and every Mitchell family gathering means another apperance from Aunt Sal. Why this cranky chain-smokoer isn't a regular charcter is beyond me, especially since she's played by Babs' real-life friend Anna Karen who is best known for playing the wonderful Oliva in ON THE BUSES. This EASTENDERS event (which ends very, very badly on Monday night) comes with a brilliant promo that UKTV has thankfully been airing the past few weeks. Here's the original BBC version that tries turning Peggy Mitchell into a robotic bride ...

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: THE BRADYS YOU NEVER SAW!

Ryan Vox here and "Here’s the story…" Those camp Bradys are back on DVD in the fifth season but there's still some Brady moments we NEED to see on DVD soon. Nobody knew when THE BRADY BUNCH Season 5 (***) was being filmed that it would be their last, save for those endless reunion specials (and we're still waiting for THE BRADY BUNCH VARIETY HOUR and THE BRADY BRIDES). But for now, Season 5 ends this chapter with a sense of finality and nostalgia as the children, almost grown-up, face adult problems and Mike and Carol are confronted with the thought of losing their babies to College dorms.

The highlights are aplenty with iconic episodes like “Adios, Johnny Bravo” in which Greg is pursued by playmate Claudia Jennings as the next American idol. The misleadingly titled “Marcia Gets Creamed” where Marcia, Jan and Peter compete for the top employee spot at Haskell’s Ice Cream Parlour and who could forget the annual trip episode? This time to King’s Island Amusement Park in Cincinnati. Jan, once again is a selling point as she haplessly tries to out-do her siblings in popularity and book smarts (perhaps someone should point out to Jan that she has a killer body and huge rack?).

However there are quite a few “Jump The Shark” moments; in “Out Of This World” Greg and Marcia trick Bobby and Peter into believing a UFO is visiting the Brady house. A cheesy spin-off is attempted with “Kelly’s Kids” in which friends of the Brady’s adopt three young boys of different nationalities, inciting rage in the “white bread” suburbia. Then of course there’s the introduction of Carol’s nephew, Cousin Oliver - a thinly-veiled attempt to reintroduce cute after Cindy hit puberty.

Though universally maligned as killing the show, Oliver actually has one of the most surprising and memorable lines in the series run. Carol quickly extricates herself from a conversation where Oliver asks about the breeding habits of Cindy’s rabbits to which Oliver replies “Gee, seems Aunt Carol has a problem talking about sex”.

My love for the Brady’s is no secret and though I hope that someday all the reunion specials will be released individually, my fingers are also crossed that an Australian release of the complete boxset that was released in the US. The boxset boasts not only the five seasons of the original run but an exclusive Bonus Features disc containing a two-part episode of THE BRADY KIDS (the animated spin-off), A VERY BRADY CHRISTMAS (the monster-rating 1989 reunion movie) and THE BRADY 500 (a movie-length pilot for short-lived 90’s drama THE BRADYS. This series was also known as “BradySomething thanks to 90’s type dramas like... wait for it... Jan’s infertility (she has to adopt a Korean baby), Bobby’s paralysis (he’s crippled in a racing car accident), (I wish we were making this up) Cindy’s affair with a married man (believe it or not, the girl with a lisp is now working as a radio DJ) and Peter, the playboy in the age of AIDS (I wish we were making this up). It’s also the last ever appearance of Robert Reed before he died and it has NEVER screened in Australia and is still not out on DVD anywhere in the world (save that BRADY 500 opener). Here’s the opening credits to prove it does exist. Note that Maureen McCormick refused to return as Marcia who would become an alcoholic in the new-look Bradys).

LA TOYA'S HAT STEALS THE SHOW

This picture sums up my two favourite things about Michael Jackson's Memorial - La Toya's hat and Blanket's MJ doll with its shirt ripped off (oh yeah, nothing weird going on there). All jokes aside, the Memorial concert was a class act that struck just the right tone. Mariah Carey and Usher might have over-sang and over-emoted but Lionel Richie and Jennifer Hudson gave great gospel and helped keep the show riveting television from start to finish. Ratings-wise, Seven's Sunrise coverage beat Today even though their on-screen graphics were superfluous. Who really needed to see a black hat and glove (along with Seven's giant red logo) plastered on-screen all through the show so kudos to Nine for keeping their screen cleaner. Nine was the all-Michael Jackson network yesterday and why not, nobody is ever going to miss TWO AND A HALF MEN or COLD CASE for a night (or even a year at this point). A CURRENT AFFAIR had a rare win over Seven who chose to go with a one-hour news bulletin from 6pm. At 7pm TODAY TONIGHT couldn't beat the number one show of the night, MASTERCHEF on Ten but Seven, who had repeated the Memorial concert during the day at 12 noon, scored with THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE and CRIMINAL MINDS while re-airing the Memorial again but only on their HD channel. Nine were competitive with a million viewers for its re-run of the Memorial from 7pm (technically, the third of the day) and an old Michael Jackson concert (filmed in Bucharest with fainting fans throughout). Up against it, but on HD only, Seven re-aired MJ's 30th anniversary concert with the famously digitally altered Whitney Houston to make her look less of a crack whore. The worst news of the day though was Nine's fading 4.30pm show. Despite it being a "very special edition", THIS afternoon slumped to its worst ratings ever as today's Daily Telegraph reports that an ABC cartoon about a skunk now has twice as many viewers. Ouch.

RYAN VOX'S REVIEW: MILE HIGH SEASONS 1 & 2

MILE HIGH Seasons 1 & 2 ****

MILE HIGH is a British television drama based around the lives of the cabin crew of Fresh!, a fledgling budget airline that provides short haul flights to exotic European locations out of London. The show screened on Channel 9 a couple of years ago and from the word go I was hooked!

Here we meet Will, Lehann, KC, Emma and Marco - Fresh!'s hottest hosties who not only share a job and a flat but often each other's beds. The show is fast-paced, slick and makes good use of it's attractive cast and exotic Spanish locations. Marco is the new recruit at Fresh! and through his eyes we are exposed to a punchy, hedonistic lifestyle of low salaries, drugs, booze, back-stabbing, raging hormones and suntans.

However, alongside the raunchy action some real issues are explored - single-parenthood, crippling debt, abortion, terrorism, theft, love - resulting in a great balance of intense emotion and blatant frivolity. It is an insecure world where the constant temptation to shop, look good and party often takes it's toll.

Along the way we pick up some additional characters and standouts include naïve Lorna who is blissfully unaware that people mistake her for a transsexual, sexy Ed who works part-time as a stripper and has some interesting piercings, simmering Jackie who uses her body to get what she wants and Janis "Steel Balls" Steel, the purser from hell whose secrets may be more scandalous than those of the younger crew she passes judgement on.

MILE HIGH is frothy, light entertainment perfect for those who like their soaps a little more risqué or want a behind-the-scenes look at airline life - similar in style and tone to HOTEL BABYLON. My only criticism is the inconsistent packaging on these sets which places promotional shots of cast from Season 1 on the Season 2 set and vice-versa.

MODELS AND MICHAEL

Sarah Murdoch had everyone asking "Jodhi Who?" last night with a classy, confident performance hosting the Grand Final of AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL from Luna Park. Ms Meares was too scared to do last year's show but this year Mrs Murdoch was in charge and what a slick TV event it was. I was in the studio audience and loved seeing the little touches that proved that Sarah was on top of everything. "Voluptuous" Tahnee deservedly won out over "Boganista" Cassi but in the process, she suffered a noseblood. It was Sarah was ensured that Tahnee got a make-up touch-up the moment they went to a commercial break. Bravo to her and also to Charlotte Dawson for her outrageous but unflinching honesty about why she didn't think Cassi should win (because she'd waste the prizemoney with her apparently dodgy boyfriend). Hilarious stuff and finally for this show, a good role model result after last year's bullying winner (Demelza who?). Princess Penny was there after the after-party and ran amok chasing down celebrities so look for her photos to be posted here soon. For those already suffering TOP MODEL withdrawal, there's always PROJECT RUNWAY 2 starting tonight on Arena, not to mention more, more, more Michael Jackson still, still, still (don't worry, it's got to stop soon, doesn't it?). Highlights of his tribute concert screen on Nine from 7pm while Seven re-airs that controversial Martin Bashir documentary at 10pm. That could be slightly inappropriate given that mourning fans probably don't want to be reminded of wacko Jacko maniacally bouncing baby Blanket on the same day he was buried. Both Seven and Nine went to enormous expense and trouble trying to out-do each other with their live coverage overnight but in the end, as always, all they did was offer the same thing. Given that many punters will have taped the shows that aired overnight, surely they are now fast forwarding any of the inane chatter from Mel, Kochie and Karl and going straight to the US concert. Why didn't someone have the foresight and courage to replace thsi morning's breakfast shows to instead re-play the entire tribute at 6 or 7am so that it could have been seen uninterrupted at a more suitable time before work or school? But no, it's been another morning of endless highlights, highlights, highlights, we were there first, we were there biggest, and in the end the viewers are none the wiser for it.

Princess Penny @ ANTM Finale After Party

I was SO pleased to be able to "jet" in for the Season Finale of ANTM alongside the Fabulous Kristen Davis from S&TC and what fun it Was!

Lots of fun celebs partaking in a bit of Vino and some laughs and of course we all wanted to 'touch' the Tahnee !!!! See Shelly Horton above "Touching The Tahnee'.

Congrats to Tahnee & Miss Murdoch for a great win and & Wonderful show, and of course a huge Holla to my Mate Miss Dawson who is as usual all class indeed !

Check some of the photos from the After Party, Below The Fabulous Monique Butterworth, myself & Mr Mercado & Opposite The Legend Sara Murdoch & me and the collage of After Party photos, naturally I am in most of them !!

Off to La La Land again I head... Chow Bella's ...

SECRET LIFE OF BEES

I had heard a lot about The Secret Life of Bees so I was very eager to sit down & watch this Movie.
It was originally suppose to be on dvd Late August but to my surprise has been released early !
And I am extremley pleased to say that I was not dissapointed at all.!
Taken from a top selling novel, the movie is set in the 60's in America at the time where Black & White people were not allowed to mix but the law had been passed to stop this problem but white people were still not allowing it to happen in some areas.
A stellar cast including a teenage Dakota Fanning, Queen Latifah, Alicia Keys, Jennifer Hudson, Paul Bettany and my favourite Tristan Wilds from 90210 !!!.
The story has it all, compassion, love, abuse, death, racism, laughter, but most of all a sense that through any hardships people can triumph !
The extras on the dvd is a must see as it shows this wonderful cast behind
the scenes in action & trust me this is a real treat.
Sadly this movie did not get the promotion it needed due to Jennifer Hudsons family tradgedy as I am sure it would have been a much larger hit if it had of.
A must see movie !
4 & half stars

Ryan Vox's Torchwood Thoughts

TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH, is an epic, action-packed mini-series that has the team (now down to just three) in a race against time to save mankind from an alien species who has taken control of all children worldwide... but the real enemies may be the world's governments who are hiding a nasty secret regarding the alien invasion.

Although a spin-off from DOCTOR WHO, TORCHWOOD is a universe away from it's parent show and brings slick and sexy back to the sci-fi genre. Described as "sinister and psychological", TORCHWOOD is an award-winning drama series and fills the hole left by shows such as BUFFY, ANGEL, CHARMED and yes, maybe even a little QUEER AS FOLK.

Led by the omnisexual Captain Jack Harkness (John Barrowman), the Torchwood team work outside the government and police to protect Earth from the all nasties that go "bump" in the night, however at it's core, Torchwood's narrative explores many powerful themes including mortality (Captain Jack cannot die), sexuality (many characters are portrayed gay or bi), the nature of humanity, the corruption of power and asks the question: where do we really draw the line between good and evil? It's characters are sexy, imperfect and add a gritty realism to the show. And, as far as I know, Captain Jack and Ianto are TV's first (out) gay superheroes!

Channel 10 screened part of Series 1 but eventually relegated it to a late night slot on it's HD channel. It's now being repeated on ABC2 and also has a strong cult following through it's UKTV telecast. Now, UKTV brings us CHILDREN OF EARTH just a few hours after it's UK screening.

Adrenaline-fuelled, funny, sexy and insightful, TORCHWOOD: CHILDREN OF EARTH airs nightly July 7-11 on UKTV in a fast-tracked premiere.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CARMEN DUNCAN

The fabulous Carmen Duncan turns 67 today so here's a reminder of her best known role when she went to the US to play ice queen Iris Wheeler in ANOTHER WORLD. Sevearl years ago at the launch of my SUPER AUSSIE SOAPS book, Carmen wasn't too pleased about all the attention her younger sister was getting. Paula Duncan had appeared on almost every Aussie soap imaginable whereas Carmen's Aussie soap past in NUMBER 96 was lost forever when the black and white episodes were thrown out. As Paul was continually hounded by fans, Carmen could be heard saying to anyone who would listen "... but I was on ANOTHER WORLD!". And indeed she was, not to mention the infamous Aussie cult flick TURKEY SHOOT where she played a marauding lesbian who killed Lynda Stoner by firing an arrow through her breast. Here's a tribute to some of Carmen's best fight sequences in ANOTHER WORLD (and look out for Anne Heche too)

THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS AND THE GAY

20 years ago, Phillip Chancellor III died after a drunk drive crash leaving behind grieving grandmother Katherine Chancellor, maniacal mother Jill Abbott and weepy wife Nina Webster. Now in one of the greatest soap twists of all time, Phillip is alive and admitting he only faked his death to hide his homosexuality. What makes this storyline all the more compelling is that it mirrors the life of actor Thom Bierdz who left daytime in 1989 when openly gay actors weren't very welcome. So it's truly great to have him back, out and proud, in real and in reel life too (for more check out www.ThomBierdz.com). This groundbreaking storyline shows why Y&R is still the best daytime drama around even though it'll be several months before W catches up with this startling plot development ...

THE GOOD LOOKING VS THE GOOD LOOKING

Tuesday has become the new Monday when it comes to big TV, at least for tonight anyway. First off, there's the simultaneous worldwide event TORCHWOOD CHILDREN OF EARTH starring John Barrowman (pictured and be watching tomorrow when he does his most revealing nude scenes yet). For more about the creepy children five night event, contributor Ryan Vox is about to post something today so keep checking. Other huge rating events tonight will be Ten's MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA and TALKIN' 'BOUT YOUR GENERATION and Seven's PACKED TO THE RAFTERS and THE ZOO (with the first footage of Taronga Park Zoo's new baby elephant). But there'll also be a buzzworthy audience for the reality show final where the good looking one faces off against the other good looking one. No, not homeMADE (thankfully becoming homeOVER 7.30pm on Nine), it's AUSTRALIA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (7.30pm on Fox 8). And get this - the live Grand Final from Luna Park will actually feature the show's host! Last year Jodhi Meares couldn't cope and ran away leaving Charlotte Dawson to take the reins. This year Sarah Murdoch, who has already brought a real touch of class to the proceedings, will distinguish herself even further by actually turning up. Later tonight on Nine are also the first series of LITTLE BRITAIN (after multiple screenings on ABC and UKTV) and the fifth and final season of THE WIRE (11.45pm). Many call this the finest US cable drama ever but if you haven't already watched the DVD, the whole series will soon be repeated on ABC2 (and probably in a friendlier timeslot).

IAN ROBERTS, PSYCHO KILLR

SEA PATROL 8.30pm on Nine
Former footballer turned actor Ian Roberts guest stars on SEA PATROL tonight as a psycho killer that cannot be killed! Watch out for hilarious homages to DEAD CALM, THE SHINING, HALLOWEEN and FRANKENSTEIN in what could be the funniest hour of Aussie drama all year. Did I miss the announcement that SEA PATROL was turning from a drama into a comedy? How could a show that started so well this season become so ridiculous so quickly? The good news for Roberts though is he could have a long term role playing a new Jason Voorhees mad murderer in a new FRIDAY THE 13th type series if Nine are thinking spin-off ...

UP, UP AND .... OUT OF A JOB

Bryan Singer's Sydney-filmed re-boot SUPERMAN RETURNS was generally regarded as a disappointment (although I quite liked the movie). Sadly though it's all about the money and when box office returns weren't what was hoped for, those planned sequels were put on hold. Only now has Brandon Routh revealed he is no longer on contract to play Superman so that means Warner Bros are now thinking about how to bring the comic book hero back (surely the obvious choice is to give the role to SMALLVILLE'S Tom Wellings?). Superman will make a comeback because Hollywood is running low on ideas. How else to explain planned movie versions of Atari's video game Asteroids and Fisher-Price's View-Master?

DANCING WITH THE STARS?

I used to love DANCING WITH THE STARS. Never missed it. Daryl Somers, cringeworth beyond belief, while Sonia Kruger was brilliant backstage with her razor-sharp wit. And amonst the dancing celebs, there was always something for everyone. Until last year that is when the show moved from Tuesdays to Sundays and was dumbed down to appeal to a younger audience. Judge Paul Mercurio was sacked (harsh) while Daryl was finally put out of his misery and replaced by Daniel McPherson (hot). Unforunately it then tried too hard to be another SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE and sltimately suffered in the ratings when the audience they were wooing decided to watch AUSTRALIAN IDOL instead. So this year it's going to start an hour earlier (6.30pm) to try and get a jump on Ten's 7.30pm offering (megahit MASTERCHEF AUSTRALIA and good luck with that). The show should be talking up its worldwide first with a blind adventurer called Gerard Gosens (the US version had the first deaf dancer with actress Marlee Matlin) but instead the newspaper and magazine ads make glamour girls Kylie Gillies (THE MORNING SHOW) and Jess McNamee (PACKED TO THE RAFTERS) look uncomfortable and dorky. The ads prefer to highlight rugby league legend Wally lewis' son Lincoln Lewis even though he's rumoured to have been sacked from HOME & AWAY in the wake of his sex phone scandal (guess Seven are determined to wring one last moment out of him before he's shown the door). Best "who the hell is that?" moment is their "international swimsuit model" Emily Scott (pictured) which is probably a fancy title for someone who appeared on page 78 of FHM (tragic). Bet she's the first to go next week, a la Tania Zaetta. Tonight's first episode is a mammoth two and a half hours long although knowing DWTS it's bound to run over. So will I be watching? Absolutely! I don't love it anymore but I want to. Bring it on ....

LEGALLY BLONDES 3

PRINCESS PENNY'S DVD REVIEWS
Out July 7th in Australia is LEGALLY BLONDE 3, the third in a series of movies that starred Reece Witherspoon as the fabulous Elle Woods. Sadly LB3 does not feature Reese at all although in her new title of 'Producer' one wonders exactly how much producing she did....
LB1 was a fabulous movie & LB2 was good. LB3 is fun, cute & very pink and if you are a teenager this movie will delight you.
The story is Elle Wood's twin blonde cousins from England who come to LA to follow in Elle's footsteps at her school. The girls are played by real life twin sisters who are cute but not cute enough to save the movie from being just OK.
The young male actors Bobby Campo (GREEK) & Christoph Saunders (GHOST WHISPERER) are great eye candy and worth watching but don't expect much more than that.
3 Stars (and only because of the guys!)

THE BOX IS BACK

On a recent edition of THE PLAYLIST, Melissa Hoyer wondered if THE BOX was re-made today, would it have to be set in a boardroom with a bunch of corporate money-counters? For those not young enough to remember, THE BOX was all about the naughty goings-on behind the scenes of a fictional Aussie TV station called Channel 12. The first episode of THE BOX (with clips here just discovered on YouTube) caused a stir when it aired in 1974 with hundreds of viewers ringing Channel 10 to complain about what one reviewer had counted as “five nude scenes, eight buttocks, one drunk, two lesbians and only one homosexual”. Publicity director Tom Greer took great pleasure in noting that all the calls were made during commercial breaks or after the show had finished. Brisbane morals campaigner Alan Russell, who was also a dentist, was outraged by the open-mouthed kissing scenes. “I wouldn’t open-mouth kiss a woman for all the money in the world,” he screamed to The Sunday Sun. “If those actors only knew the interchange of bacteria that occurs.”
Sydney’s Anglican bishop, the Very Reverend Lance Shilton, despaired that Australia was turning into a nation of peeping toms, and ratings confirmed his worst suspicions. The new serial was a smash hit in all markets, particularly in Sydney where its premiere had achieved a remarkable 46 share (akin to a STATE OR ORIGIN match today) although it had slipped to a still respectable 33 within a few weeks. If only a TV station today would dare to remake it or repeat it. Or how about Crawford Productions release it on DVD? This was such a fantastic show ...

FIGURING OUT THE TRUTH ABOUT MICHAEL JACKSON

Who cares that it's Tom Cruise's birthday today when it's just another excuse for a creepy Scientology gathering. Surely the more fabulous star also turning 47 today is Hunter Tylo who plays that renowed B&B psychiatrist Dr Taylor Hayes - and stay with me on this, it could be the truth behind Michael Jackson's "death".
In real life, Hunter once sued Aaron Spelling for being sacking from MELROSE PLACE for falling pregnant (instead her role went to Lisa Rinna but these two former rivals must be good friends now since they both appear to use the same lip surgeon). Meanwhile on B&B, Taylor was dying and returning from the dead not once but twice. The first time she died she was discovered to be Princess Laila living in a Moroccan Palace with Prince Omar. When she was then shot and killed by Sheila Carter - and buried after an open coffin funeral - she still returned very much alive again. It was revealed that the body in the coffin had been a mannequin (uh-huh) and Prince Omar had spirited her away for emergency surgery and recuperation (which also apparently included breast augmentation and collagen lip plumping. Who needs to go to Thailand for surgery when Arab heart and plastic surgeons are that good?). There was just one small problem with that explanation though since Taylor's ghost had appeared to Ridge when she wasn't dead. Whatever - here she is as that ghostly vision AND speaking in a foreign language ....




OH MY GOD! I've just realised something - could this be what Michael Jackson is really up to? He's been living in the Middle East for several years now and could easily have sourced the best surgeons possible to pull off such a Taylor Hayes switcheroo. Clearly the Jacksons now have a mannequin to bury (and Madame Tussaud has made many, many versions over the years) while Michael is living it up in Prince Omar's palace thinking about what kind of new lips he's going to get. It's so perfect I'm amazed it's taken me a week to figure it all out. Betcha Diana Ross is breathing a sigh of relief about my theory since she probably wasn't wanting to be a 65 year old mummy to three little "children of the corn". And just why was she named guardian of them in Michael's will anyway? Was it punishment for getting him to play the scarecrow in THE WIZ, the all-black, all-flop version of THE WIZARD OF OZ? Was Michael secretly giggling along with all the critics who laughed that the title role of Dorothy had been changed from an 11-year-old to a 24-year-old so 33-year-old Diana Ross could play the part? What goes around comes around Miss Ross ....

But if Michael Jackson is still alive, what then for MJ impersonator Jason Jackson who legally changed his name from Jason Zamprogno and lives at his own "Neverland" in Sydney's south west with his mother (who is of course his manager). His front page story from today's Daily Telegraph is proof that Michael Jackson fans have and always will be kookier than even the most demented Elvis devotee. Here's a sample of what he thinks now that the offers are "rolling in":

"This is my time. It's going to be huge. Las Vegas. Los Angeles. Asia."

"I believe I am alive today because God saved me for this."

" Fans look to me as if I am the King."

"I think we can demand the price now. Any price, $200,00 or even a million. Other Michael jackson impersonators in Australia ... don't have the persona and charisma. You either have it or you don't. I am sort of blessed. I have it."

And there you have it. Who needs the real Michael Jackson when a talented westie like this is the real deal. God bless you Jason ... although I recommend you use some of your hard-earned cash to maybe invest in a nose job ....

FINALLY A DECENT MOVIE ...

So I sat through Sandra Bullock in THE PROPOSAL and thought it was lame. It then went to number one at the worldwide box office. The next week I grimaced my way through TRANSFORMERS REVENGE OF THE FALLEN and it too went to number one at the worldwide box office. Welcome to the latest batch of American Summer movie shockers but never fear - it's a new week, there's a new film, it'll be number one at the worldwide box office and OMG - it's actually good. In fact it's great.

ICE AGE 3: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS ****
What a brilliant concept this has been for an animated trilogy. The first film is about the ICE AGE, in the second film the ice is melting and then in this film it's time to meet the dinosaurs. It's almost like they planned it this way but they swear they didn't. This latest effort is in 3D and the technology is amazing - it actually looks more like 4D with depth that goes from in front of the movie screen to behind it. And the story is great too with celebrity voices from Ray Romano, Queen Latifah, Denis Leary, Seann William Scott and now Simon Pegg. And this is also the best dinosaur movie since ..... maybe JURASSIC PARK? Brilliant stuff, bring on ICE AGE 4.

TV TIPS FOR THURSDAY 2 JULY

It's FINALE FEVER tonight with season-enders for MAD MEN (SBS 8.30pm & 10pm), PRIVATE PRACTICE (9.30pm on Seven) and MEDIUM (9.30pm on Ten). Not so excited about the last two but MAD MEN fans will be sad to lose their weekly fix of scotch and cigarettes, 1960's style. Those who've already watched Season 2 on Movie Extra might be interested to know the channel isn't buying Series 3 (which will soon air in the US) so let's hope SBS do and get it to air quickly.

BREAKING BAD 8.30pm on Showcase
It's one of the most disturbing shows on television but try to tear yourself away once you start watching. Star Bryan Cranston (who has already won an Emmy for the role) explains that "it's really not about making drugs. It's about a good man making bad decision for all the right reasons." I couldn't have summed it up better myself - and I did try ....



ARE YOU BEING SERVED 10.30am on Comedy Channel
Nobody could make a pussy joke like Mollie Sugden who has sadly died at the age of 86. Re-runs of her classic sitcom continue on Foxtel and Austar but when is someone there going to start screening the movie versions of these classic shows ...

TV TIP FOR WEDNESDAY JULY 1

THE TUDORS 8.30pm on Showcase
This is a series that has taken a while to get going but with the execution of wife number 2 (Anne Boleyn) at the end of the 2nd season, get ready for wives 3, 4 and 5! The 3rd series begins tonight with a wedding and an uprising. Soon we'll see singer Joss Stone as Anne of Cleves and then watch out for Catherine Howard who producers promise will be the minxes to end all minx (she was also Anne Boleyn's cousin). Having watched just about every TV series and movie about Henry VIII (my fave is still Richard Burton in ANNE OF THE THOUSAND DAYS, I'm not saying anything new by proclaiming this one is the sexiest one yet.

WHAT A DAY OF BRITHDAYS

There are so many stars having birthdays today I hardly know where to begin.
There's Leslie Caron (FALCON CREST), Tab Hunter (POLYESTER), Jamie Farr (AfterM*A*S*H), Jean Marsh (UPSTAIRS DOWNSTAIRS), Karen Black (AIRPORT 1975) and Deborah Harry (the original HAIRSPRAY). But how can you go past Olivia DeHavilland, one of the last living stars of GONE WITH THE WIND? Here she is with a fabulous flip hairstyle surprising a friend on THIS IS YOUR LIFE ....